WTF, are we doing (here)?

today I didn’t wake up as the artful transmuter, ever since finishing the 3rd webinar I feel shite, or confused, no, angry even.

If we do not exist, if we are not here, then what are we doing (here), why bother (with) this whole process. Why not end it all here and now. I’m no avid believer of suicide, but what the fuck is the point of augmenting the frequency of my dna, if even that does not exist, actually, in reality (?)

Sure, don’t identify with being whatever (a doctor, a reflector, a woman) on this plane, but then it nullifies the genekeys and this quantum field instantaneous too. I had that thought earlier when discussing HDS (Human Design System) and IHD (Integral Human Design), if there is no framework, there is no us even, then what is this transmission we’re supposed to contemplate and embody?

What is the point of looking at my shadows, yours, ours, if they are all an illusion, if even me looking at them is an illusion. Someone close to me had a psychosis triggered in part by the Matrix movies. I can really understand that now.

And don’t ‘honor my rant’ like in my 2nd blog, answer the questions (!)
I would like to add: please.

This is the deep already? We’re at the bottom? Pfff I expected (a lot !) more than this, did I miss something, or out on something, did I grow to be a giant that I’m feeling the water only knee-deep, and my shoulders backing in the hot sun? What happened, did I pause too much, not contemplate enough, what? Aaaah, blast, I don’t exist, so who cares…

Why did I not feel so affected by the 28, 36, 47 where some people really do? Am I shut down, or was I way way deeper in it in my life already that it is a picnic for me now?

Fuck me, I’m lost, or, at least my mind is. Looking for clues, is it a language barrier, is it me, is it you. Without blaming/judgment, but looking for the why and how.

And this probably is a classical reaction, so tell me, where do I go from here, and how?

(hmm, venting this does make me calmer, but still)