Facebook or not

about a year ago it became clear to me, and people near me, that I had to approach my online presence in a different way. Noticing how I got consumed by righting wrongs and engaging in many online skirmishes and even battles that then also trickled down into offline life. Now of course not every person one meets is for you, correctly so or not, whether online or offline, and with some people I am glad to have only met as briefly as we did, because really, some of you, fuck you man, wow. And given my Perspective/view of Power where I not only see the winners and losers, from my own perspective, I do indeed keep score, naturally. But all that is just the face of it, that might even only be the result.

What is far more important, is my own process, and the ongoing investigation; why do I do the things that I do, or not do? Important and exiting, exhilarating at times, as I dive into the uncertainty of the quest, and all the different explorations that open up as I question myself.

Ever since the growing awareness of the discovery of the impact of my own online behavior, on my own life most predominantly, I explored different options, and as usual, they are right there in front of you, all u have to do, is engage, or not. One concern of mine is expression, the freedom to express in a non contrived way, for me and others, but me first, or foremost. I found that to engage in any kind of forum, FB group and before that, several newsgroups, is always limited and limiting. The availability for others to express just as loudly as you says nothing about the quality of sharing, or the intents and agendas, mine included. And let’s not forget the pressure of the personal agendas of some of the moderators/admins, phew.

For a couple of years, besides starting or replying to uncountable discussions and topics, I also wrote a few blog-like pieces. Sometimes short, sometimes longer, scribbles, deeper insights, even epistles on the processes I was engaged with, that came to expression in words, and sharing. And the idea to start my own blog became a quick succession of steps well into not just starting one but also building its structure and hosting it, instead of becoming a subscribed user of one of many online formats.

Many contemplations went in not just the visuals, and its structure, but also of its navigation and ease of usage for the potential reader(s), realizing I was not just looking to express, but also to be read, and liked, or disliked perhaps. But to take a step back from the 2-second knee-jerk potential interactions, and into more slow, considered intercommunication with others. Even if at first in silence and only view-able by the visitor statistics, then onto the like/dislike widget, and maybe/perhaps, some day also opening up for structured commenting.

But I find it hard, I find the blog setup lacking, or I notice my addiction to the 2-second life, and its thrall on to my seeking, wanting to connect with others in a more open space, an easier accessed space like FB or a forum. The catch-22 of easy access populated by shit-for-brain participants. But also, my very own addiction, obsession, drive, pull, desire, lust, longing, demanding nature for connection from since I was a little boy with real people, with real connections, across the globe.

The computer is always on, the screen is always on FB even when sitting on the couch reading something else, a book or my iPad. The computer screen is always on, as I peek every so often to stare into the notification areas of messages, or likes, an email, or Skype message, always, always, always. Blogging life is far more lonesome than any of the social media or even email, I find it hard to follow through, on severing the cords.

While enjoying the inspiration many of the connections and countless groups I’m still in, of which I am very grateful for, as I chuckle about some of the nonsense and pretense that goes on, and sighing deeply when reading someone who’s on their path, journeying, experiencing, questioning and, expressing, wow. While realising my offline life is pretty vacant, seemingly empty with a lover gone and departed friends. Is this, now, the deeper trench of the on-the-roof life? Alone?

Enjoying the many studies into Human Design, both for their deeper knowledge as the experience of the application, and getting to see, ever more deeply, functioning correctly, and how one does not, as layers get stripped, mangled, eaten, devoured, blown up, or deflate and new ones or hidden ones come into view, ha! Not done yet, buddy!

Seeing more clearly, that it takes a LOT of distraction, a lot of fluff, and fluffy bunnies, to get even close to anything real, realistic, beyond any belief, beyond any assumption, beyond any wishful agendas, to get to the actual core of you, or me. Where I see so many half-assed attempts and fakery and plain foggy eyed lying. To hold on to the lie as a stronger desire, than to step out of it. It is so all pervasive, so ingrained in our behaviors, our way of speaking and acting, in our concepts of life, our daily doings as well as our contemplated illusions of what is supposedly right, and what is supposedly wrong.

The distance between what is factually real, and what is not, is not one, or even five, but usually twenty steps too far for most of us, which included me, and sometimes still does. And that bugs me, that with all, these, distractions, all the veils we ourselves keep in place, in total ignorance or forcibly so, I see it will indeed not take a few physical mutations and therefor mere generations, but also much more time than time itself, for any such kind of shift in our thinking and in our awareness, in our accepted awareness. Because without acceptance, of the unpleasantries, of the things we fear, it will never work, we, will never work, correctly.

One at a time, one person at a time, might wake up, and get rid of the shackles that we allow ourselves to bind us, and get up, and walk out first and then walk away, and uncover for themselves what is true, or correct, and what is not.

While continuing to live among those that unknowingly lie, live the lie, promote the lie, even those that point at the moon, unaware of the expanse of the Maia, deeming the discovery of one treasure within, is having stepped outside already. Deeming one ability more, of how to steer and control subsistence within the Maia is as good as stepping out altogether, for not dreaming anymore. The golden caged Maia, with students at your lips and perhaps your genitals is nothing short of pointing, mere pointing and not much else.

Selling light to the blind in a space with no reflection…

Gate 54 of ambition, the marrying maiden.
Interaction in its mundane social context but also one’s mystical and cosmic relationships.

Gate 54 Line 5 Magnanimity

Exalted: The natural authority and actualizing spirit, that in a position of power, can have genuine and fruitful relationships with the less advantaged. (As long as they are in service and make no demands.) The energy for actualizing that despite this power fuels fruitful relationships with others. No polarity.
Detriment: No detriment.