https://katihumandesign.livejournal.com/2023/02/07/

 February 7, 2023 | 13:19
actually, the reflector is great -

only physical issues =^.^=
aura, funny

February 7, 2023 | 11:44
So I would have preferred to have this on a vlog, but will type instead.

This has taken months of looking at things from angles, literally. From determination, to cognition, environment, motivation, to view. From looking at things about the other, to seeing things that I had learned about myself through things I had seen through other people around. Through Ra audio, through things about Projector's, invitations, being asked, through seeing the transits without looking them up through other people during the time I had visited in the Netherlands.

And from really looking at my thoughts, and also, what the body was like in the Netherlands, what Sjef was like, what the Reflector was like - how i felt there, and how things looked from the outside, when no longer being in the Netherlands. What i actually looked like, when no longer focused on the other.

What actually happened is my design received an invitation to a place in which i actually couldn't experience any time in my own aura. I was told when going to the Netherlands, there would be two rooms. And there were/are two rooms in that apartment. But the apartment is so small, that there is no place in that apartment really, where people can be outside of the aura of another. The apartment is literally for one human.

Now, I can't say for sure that Sjef actually knew that. Because Sjef explained how he actually had a girlfriend live in that apartment with him in the past.

Here's the thing, physical things like walls, aren't capable of separating auras. Auras are roughly 5 feet all around the physical body, outward - in every direction.

And another thing, I never need to measure to know whether or not a person is within my aura. So within that apartment, sleeping in Sjef's bed, and sleeping on the couch were literally no different from one another. I realize also, when visiting there, I never took the time to explain that, no one asked.

I just kind of kept taking small little notes, through seeing, what appeared to be with cognition.


Before I went to the Netherlands I was told going there seemed to be the best option because no one could afford meeting or visiting anywhere else. That's something I probably should have noticed, that seemed strange. And kind of did. But I was like, ok that guy was my living your design guide, and he knows whether or not there is enough aura space. I trusted in that. I trusted Sjef's word.

Here's the thing, for everything correct in life, I can 'obtain' the money for. I could have gotten money to stay at a hotel before going to the Netherlands, and actually had $,1000.00 within a day or so after being there. Which meant, if I wasn't so focused on the other, and had been asked anything like this, i could have had a hotel room probably bigger than that apartment, that would have given time and space to be within my own aura... just myself.

When looking at all of that later, I realized the only time i was alone when in the Netherlands is when Sjef went out to do stuff, which happened a few days, for maybe an hour or so, ish. And also, I noticed i had way more showers there than i regularly would when at home.

Which seemed like for two reasons; the first reason is because, it seemed likely the only time when in my own aura in that apartment when Sjef was there, was when the reflector was on the computer, and when i was in the shower. Also, direct light transferred is hot thirst.

So another thing, there was only direct light through the windows in the bedroom. Looking at this now, I realize the only time i felt like i had any energy, was in that bedroom. My body was extremely lethargic in that apartment. But I couldn't notice that when being there.

Another thing, when finally arriving to that apartment, i was exhausted. And at the time, I thought that was because of traveling, the distance, the time change, or maybe jet lag. What I see now is that the exhaustion was from being surrounded by people for a long period of time.

I had spent the days before packing for travel, at home with Anya and Xander - no babysitter. Then Trena and Cody had come over. Trena to drive me to the airport, and Cody to have the kids over for babysitting. I spent the ride to the airport with Trena, then from airport to airport around people for probably a full day straight of travel.

I remember when finally getting to Sjef, I was like, 'let's get out of here'. Being in an airport is hard to describe. But in basic terms or words, i couldn't feel shit and didn't know what i felt in an airport. And i definitely couldn't feel the reflector aura in the airport, until going outside, and being quite a distance from all people.

And yes, Sjef picked me up from the airport. But here's another thing. Basically everyone says, Projectors should have their trips paid for, by who ever is inviting them. See, I never made a big deal out of that. Sjef said he didn't have money, or couldn't. But in reality, he could, but didn't. He didn't even pay for half. And somehow that never seemed to bother me then. You know, I can prove myself, Sjef can't, etc. Whatever.

I see now that I'd probably never do that ever again.

So, the next thing. When Sjef brought me to his apartment, immediately i went straight to the bed. I even remember knowing i wouldn't be able to wear high heels after that travel day, because I knew i wouldn't be able to walk well afterwards. Which is funny, cause i couldn't.

So immediately when meeting me, Sjef tried to kiss me, and i pulled away. Here's another thing I looked at later on. When together, the reflector and myself were no longer just our own designs, but a new quantum. The reflector then was conditioned by all of my definition, and i was conditioned by everything about the reflector, the gates, the quantum, and all of the not self stuff.

Those things I couldn't see then. I didn't notice them at all. But when together, Sjef and I are a Splenic Projector. See, I don't really have a good grasp on being splenic. I don't relate to that. But I realize now, pulling away was probably because i actually didn't trust splenically to kiss then. Now the next thing, when getting to that apartment, and going straight to the bed, was like my body just led me there. i practically collapsed into that bed.

And Sjef was trying to have sex. Sjef was talking about my pussy, for a while.

See, i didn't just spend all my time tired and around people all that time before getting there, but was also on my period. My body was so tired then. And Sjef didn't really get that, or maybe he didn't see, or care, who knows.

Here's another thing, I knew the reflector aura felt good, and tasted good, and that my aura liked it. But there was something else, that seemed strange. Immediately, Sjef began talking about visiting Maine. Here's another thing I looked back at and realized afterwards that I had no awareness of at the time.

I am right minded. I am entirely receptive, and present, and have no strategic actions, plans, or any - what's the word - expectations. And I realize now, Sjef had kept trying to make me focus, trying to condition me to be strategic, and kept accusing or projecting me of being so, when in fact, Sjef was the one being strategic, planning, and saying things that I had never thought of at all.

My mind was totally empty when visiting there. I hardly thought anything. But was seeing with outer vision. For example: Sjef mentioned noticing i would come out of the bathroom and wash my hands in the kitchen. And lots of times would only wash my fingertips. Well, there was no soap for myself to use anywhere in the apartment. i would look around, and every time when going in to the toilet room, or the shower room, there were hand soap pumps, with no soap in them. There was only a tiny bit of soap in the hand soap pump in the kitchen. And there were all these little towels everywhere, right- but I didn't know which towel to use.

So since I'm right minded, and not strategic at all, I wasn't actively looking around or seeking for things in that apartment. So here's another thing - most people, when bringing me into a new place, they show you around, right? Here's where my pots and pans are, here's the drinking water, here's the food in the fridge (the Reflector bought food, groceries that i would like to have in the apartment), but i wasn't really shown where anything was, how to use anything, or invited or asked really to use any of them.

I remember getting a drink of water from the tap, and was asked, "did you find the drinking water?" "no, i used the water from the tap". Because those aren't the kinds of things I see with outer vision, and being PRL DLL. My mind isn't strategic, so I don't go looking for things like that. I don't know how. And that's interesting because many years ago, that's how I used to be. And being like a long time ago, is what used to make me so stressed. My parents used to make me be strategic, but I never knew that until Human Design. And I don't actually think Sjef knew or saw this. I don't think Sjef knew or was aware that I am receptive, he just kept asking and saying things about being strategic to me.

But I didn't realize, because my entire auric focus was on the reflector. When I look back at all the things Sjef said to me, most of them were about himself, and I realized I really saw Sjef's conditioning, which I had always seen before, but actually saw in person. Specifically about the G center, the Heart, and the Throat, even the Head.


I was totally receptive, present, and just being there with him. And my design was really there. The visit was the result of correctness, correct strategy and authority, and seeing now, was probably karma from my left angle. For lots of reasons. i felt and I knew somehow, that I knew that person. But I couldn't really tell anyone how, or why.

Funny thing also, the star family thing came up. I never needed to look at the star degree or name to know that Sjef been of the same star group. But later confirmed that quite a long time ago, probably around the time of looking at the astrology when asked to do so, because of the nodes, etc.

So here's another thing I remember really vividly, the sexual situations. Which is a lot to explain, really. But for one, I remember Sjef saying later after sex something like, "I've seen the way you look at me, like you would be KLR."

That's another strategic thing, which I had no idea how he could think that I thought that at the time. Until I later realized, he was talking about my unfocused looking at him while having sex. And the thing is, I had never faded in or sunk that deep into the body while having sex there. Because what seemed like, Sjef was constantly talking, projecting, or saying things about whatever, and about myself that I didn't relate to at all.

Like if he thought I was thinking that way when being on top during sex, that is funny. Because that look on my face was about 10% of my actual capacity to fade in. I mean, that was a present, non strategic, receptive look, of just being during sexual exploration. I was entirely unfocused. I wasn't even really looking at him. But he thought that I was. That's something I really had to learn more about variable to understand. And somehow, the Fb group about my variable is, I think, how that group came about. The study of my variable.

So then, there are other things. Basically all the things and stories Sjef told were strategic in the sense, about getting together, being together, traveling to Maine, possibly moving to Maine, and I just remember sitting there and taking all of that in. I didn't think much of anything that was said. But somehow, I didn't actually think he would do any of it.

He said all kinds of stuff to me, the 'bonnie and Clyde' thing, the 'hunnie, im home' thing, stories about mates living in the Netherlands traveling to the states to be with a woman and getting married, asking about having a shed at home, which at the time - I didn't realize, is because Sjef has shores. So to be able to be in a shed, probably in his own aura, while being at my home, for his environment, shores.

I mean, none of that at all was apparent to me at the time of that visit.

Then another thing, i wasn't active while being there. Even though everything was correct, and accepted correctly, i wasn't active there. I was unable to bring my iPad because I had to leave that at home with Cody for Anya to play on. My MacBook I hadn't used in months because I had my new computer and had put all of my stuff including MMI on that pink iMac, so I really just had the MacBook there for surfing stuff, if feeling like doing so. But, here's another thing, during that time... I had taken months off from studying since PTL1 with Brian. So I wasn't reading much then for good reason, correctness, and I had no video games to play on the MacBook. Only one video game on my iPhone, which is rather small to play games on, plus I had gotten long fingernails before visiting the Netherlands, so when actually attempting eventually to play a game there, i couldn't because of the fingernails, and because usually playing on the iPad.

At one point Sjef had said something like, if you want to do something, you can just do whatever. i didn't feel invited, asked, or shown anything there to do anything, and the apartment was so small, i had no auric space to be in my own aura to recharge, and no strategic ability to look for things to do. i just noticed lots of things i could probably clean, or change, but since i wasn't asked or invited really to do them, i never moved to do them.

Funny thing, Sjef realized I think, that i wasn't being active, which I realized after, much later - because he said something like "this is good" when playing video games. Here's the thing, he never told me i wasn't being active, and didn't really invite me or ask me to do anything actively.

Plus, i was energetically flat. Which I also realize now, I think he realized, but I didn't. Because he mentioned 'you're like a sloth'. Because i was laying around everywhere there. I didn't think anything of that, I just knew my body had to lay down. I didn't know why. And Sjef said something like, "Yeah on your blog you mention laying in bed all day."

Yes, but I live in a 5 bedroom, two story house, alone, with two kids and a pet. I literally clean everything, take care of everything, have my own tv, computers, phone, and tons of space to be by myself. I get up, take care of my kids, clean, take care of myself, heat a house, take care of a pet, and then after doing a bunch of stuff, i just lay down in bed, and sometimes after doing really big activities live moving stuff around, or cleaning entire rooms, or running up and down sets of stairs to fill a wood stove, i sometimes lay in bed for a majority of a day to recharge before the kids come home, or lay in bed in the evening if feeling unwell, or on my period, etc.

Now, there's more - all I did was listen to Sjef. Asked about his past, asked about his nickname, his friends, his life, his childhood, etc. And then, listened to all the stories of any kind that were said. And i noticed some things. Like for example, once Sjef was talking about some stuff, the one time really looking at his computer screen, was a quote about 4th lines on his blog, (which I had read on the plane) about leaving a partner for another partner. Later looking at that blog, Sjef had deleted that quote, like he didn't want me to see that quote.

Another thing, Sjef constantly talked about other women while being there. His ex's, other women he talked to, past stories about cheating on his girlfriend, about having three or more women to kiss or have sex with at any given time, etc. Now, I wasn't actively thinking about that, but somehow felt untrusting of the fact that he basically spent all his time on the computer. i was practically invited to sit there, get to know the other, and look at Sjef be on the computer the entire time while visiting.

I didn't really know who he was talking to, or what he was doing, mostly, and I didn't try to investigate, look at or figure that out. I actually ignored looking at his computer screen, entirely. And funny thing is, Sjef had mentioned before that none of those people online were important. So basically, i went there to visit and look at Sjef talk to people who he claimed weren't important to him.

Then one morning, i got up early to be in aura alone, something like two hours out by the window in the sunlight - while the reflector laid in bed that morning, and Sjef came out beaming like the reflector had probably been sampling someone else.

Another point Sjef made - I had sucked his dick a lot, and would have much more; which is one thing, but he never ate my pussy. Right. Which I never strategically thought about at all. And later I realized this - why was there sex at all, if he didn't smell me, didn't like the way i smelled, and didn't taste my pussy. Realizing this later actually was a big thing for me to see. Kind of seemed like Sjef just wanted to have sex. Said he wanted to learn my breathing about when having orgasms, etc. but never actually asked anything about how to do so.

I remember asking, how you like sex, how you like your dick sucked, would you like anything, do you want or need anything - and instead of answering those questions, those were kind of made fun of. Actually, at one point, Sjef was going on Instagram and posting things like making fun of 'want' etc. Almost pretending or claiming he didn't want anything and that I was dumb for saying any of this stuff.

i had actually given him all of my attention, my full focus, and this wasn't good enough for Sjef. Because Sjef claimed he didn't want anything. Which I think was an avoidant tactic. Because then, later on, there were almost like demands, or verbal thoughts about things that Sjef wanted sexually.

So another thing, at one point, Sjef was at the computer and asked to come over, and 'get on your knees'. I actually had no idea why or what he was talking about at the time. Out of my mouth was something like, "huh? what? why?" or something of that effect. Because I am right, not Left. I don't think in that way.

If the reflector was like, "baby, will you get on your knees and suck my cock at this computer" - I can almost guarantee this would have happened. I remember after asking what the fuck was being said, Sjef was like, "You know"... well, I didn't know.

Later on, like the day before leaving the Netherlands, Sjef mentions something about whips. And claims he had mentioned them before. Only I never heard that, and I realize later on that Sjef was entirely avoidant of actual present conversations, truth, and what he actually wanted. He tells all the stories about other women who had been with him sexually, talking about whipping another woman. At no point did he ask, want to use the whips, would you like to try this, etc. Actually, he waited the entire time, avoiding the conversations about sex that he claimed he didn't want or care about talking about, and didn't reply when being asked about them or say what he liked or wanted, until that time, and even then didn't really say. He then began talking about slapping. Which here's the thing, I have been abused my entire life by people, but especially men and was actually open to allowing that man to slap my face during sex, even though I had never tried that before. Though through trust and communication, i would be okay with any of this. So, I am slapped on time on the face and began giggling, because that wasn't during sex - but just sitting in bed. And I remember the question asked was, "will you ask when you want to do this?" "No" he said, "Why would I do that" - and that was when I realized i probably couldn't ever let him slap my face during sex. Then another thing, I love choking - during sex. At no point was my body really touched during sex.

This is a big thing I wanna talk about. My body was never warmed up, made comfortable, soft, warm or wet to have sex with that man. i wasn't really rubbed, touched, licked, kissed on the body, romanced sexually, or made love to. And the fucking wasn't good, because i was unable to grab on to anything during sex, to have full body or multiple orgasms. The orgasms weren't hard, shaking, crying orgasms, they weren't squirting orgasms. And the only touching i received were being fingered both pussy and asshole, but actually seemed as though he didn't know how to finger, reach a g-spot, or fuck hard. i was being fingered, but lightly, with no real pressure, and nothing to hold on to, so if there were any orgasms, they were light, small, tiny, nothing really, hardly noticeable.

Even at one point when on top, I yelled out 'Fuck!' because that was the point that I noticed one thing, i wasn't allowed to grab his body, or grip or hold anything, and I knew i would never have a real ear ringing orgasm that way. Which I even expressed. But almost seemed like that didn't matter.

Because mostly what mattered was what Sjef said or wanted. At only one time was i asked "what can we do for you" - and I remember being so shocked, surprised about even that one question, and of course, I couldn't strategically think about what I wanted! Haha!!! I was like, "Um, everything!"

And that was another thing, Sjef was allowed to say we and us. I was later mistreated so saying we and us to Sjef within text or email following that meeting. Actually, he shit all over me labelling me two. "Too! Too! Too!"

I remember when I had left there, I thought things had seemed so good. I really thought I got to know lots about Sjef, and was so nonjudgmental of any of that. And i really enjoyed being within the reflector aura. i had fully trusted to be in the Netherlands, without demands, without strategic planning or thought, and I was told so many wonderful things.

Like wow, this could really be something, or go somewhere. I had never thought or imagined, or tried to make anything be anything. And I always respected the reflector for being a reflector, and respected Sjef's stuff. Which he even mentioned while being there. How much space i had always given, for whatever, and how we were better for it, etc.

In reality, I think I had seen Sjef's G conditioning, heavily. Something that was hard to look at. Which like I mentioned, was something i always saw with Sjef, and never mentioned, even when asked before.

I can't tell if he ever really liked me at all. Which is weird, because he kept saying things while being there, about being beautiful, about liking so much, etc. And the whole, "Do you like me?" That was really weird for my design. I remember never judging, but looking, and listening. I even attempted to answer at one point, and I realized he was asking me if I liked his personality.

Funny thing, I, of course liked Sjef. But that wasn't why I was there. My design brought me there. I made that clear before ever going there. He even was like, "So you only like me for my energy!?" And I remember my design saying, "I am offended by that" - HAHA.

My design likes the design of Sjef, my projector aura likes the reflector aura. For me, this had nothing to do with mind, or preferences.

I didn't care that he was in his 50's. I didn't care that he lives across the world. I didn't care about money. I didn't care about any not self bullshit. I was listening to my heart. I was allowing myself to lead me where ever, without conditions, with full trust of myself, and true friendship and trust of Sjef, to meet his design, to be in aura together.

Truthfully though, i was put into a place where i really didn't know how to go out into the world by myself. I didn't know how to leave his apartment alone, i wasn't invited out to get a hotel for myself, or for the reflector to visit, I was only once shown where the food was in the freezer, I didn't know how to use anything in his kitchen, or asked to use his washing machine, or asked to cook food for him, even when attempting to discuss if there were anything i could do for you -

I remember another thing also, my design was so.... amazing. I was so calm and quiet, present, listening, being there, seeing, any brief thoughts I had about trying to attempt to initiate things from mind, like to go put lingerie on for him, my design was like, just wait.

And I never questioned it. I listened to everything the design said. And was mostly truly myself. The only thing there was smoking cigarettes. I smoked more cigarettes there in the Netherlands than I do at home. But I didn't know why. And when leaving, I realize Sjef thought I had a huge nicotine habit, because the nicotine gum he got me was so strong. I couldn't chew a single piece of that nicotine gum, the stuff made my body sick.

I think I was smoking, cause I didn't know what to be doing. Which is another thing about being Left Left, which I realized after also. "If you go into a room, and you don't know what to do, never go into that room again."

I am designed to be active. Active fingers, active hands, active feet, active body, active on the computer, active playing video games, active.

And i basically couldn't be active in that apartment. And I had no idea or clue, because I was lost in the other while being there. The only thing I looked at were my motivation and my view. What was I asked or invited to do, be or fix, seeing the wanting of the other, and having conversations about what was wanted.

The claim and replies were 'nothing' - which I was basically made fun of for.

I thought I was being treated so good, courted, and appreciated, being seen for my value, but wasn't.

My design was never actually asked about what was important, there were no conversations about the present, there were no conversations about the experience there together in the now. I was always just listening to Sjef talk about the past, and other people, and things about the future.

And at no point was I invited to be in a relationship with Sjef. But all that other stuff was being said to me, and to my design.

Every time Sjef would go out, he would text my phone, and my design was just so thrilled to finally have a few moments alone. He even projected on to me that i was full of shit, and not taking shits there. I knew that's what he was saying, one of the few things, because i rarely had times to just be in the bathroom alone, but actually took a giant shit there everyday, either when alone, or while Sjef was sleeping, and even a few during the day, and was kind of like i was being observed like a lab rat.

Instead of being listened to, instead of being asked, instead of being invited, instead of being seen and loved, and treated so well.

And by no means do I actually think that was intentional, really. I think these were misunderstandings, or things that weren't aware of really while being in aura together. But perhaps some, because Sjef is strategic. I remember him continuously trying to make me focus, and picking at me for not being strategic, or focusing - on the tv, on him when being many feet away from me, when planning to go to the airport, all kinds of things. I don't think that way, and I am practically incapable of allowing people to make me think that way.

So maybe some of the stuff was planned on Sjef's part, probably quite a bit actually, concerning the 4th line thing, with all the things he said, projected on me, all the stories he told, etc. I don't know for sure, I can only look at that stuff now.

And another funny thing, I remember the reflector bringing myself out the day before going back to Maine, for a walk. I hadn't brought razors for shaving, and only a little bit of soap, shampoo, etc, and those things I wanted to buy at stores, but never did. And when being out at a store, I remember looking at razors and saying out loud, "maybe not now".

And of course the whole, "What do you want?"

Sjef had kept hinting towards all these things about me, about myself - but Sjef doesn't actually know what he wants. And I think that is because Sjef has a guard up, about connecting deeply, romantically, on a love level, on a commitment level, plus all the G Center stuff and conditioning, etc - you know, much more.

He practically talked himself out of everything he had done and said after I had gone back home, almost immediately when being at the airport.

And I knew it, I could see it, and instead of overly trying to protect myself, i allowed the reflector the time and space as always, and whatever Sjef had to go through for processing, mentally, etc.

Another thing I noticed, Sjef constantly avoided real conversations, and would read my blog instead, to gain information about me, what I thought or felt, and then made choices and decisions from that.

Things that I mutatitvely, melancholicly have to express, get out for my own processing, for life experience and for seeing anything about patterns or life. Things that are never truly personal, but for myself - because I don't go around telling everyone all of my stuff. i am an open throat, pure individual ego projector.

At the time when visiting in the Netherlands, i mentioned something like, "do you always do this for women?" "no", the reflector said, "it's the projector aura". I never expected to be waited on, or taken care of, and in a sense i was - but in ways that all men do for myself. Bringing me food, rubbing my feet, playing guitar, etc.

But though these things are wonderful, or lovely - the things which truly matter and which are important to my true self, are mostly just deep communication and being present with the other, about present current time, or anything which could be discussed on a personal, deep level, listening to and being listened to, as i am purely acoustic, and individual.

I could be totally poor without money, and the one thing i would care about in relationship is listening and being listened to, being asked and invited.

These are the things which are important to my design, and what is truly important to -me-.

The very last thing, I was judged for saying I love you, like I was stupid, codependent, or not self for saying anything about love, instead of appreciated or respected.

My entire design is filled with love gates. And I have many gate 10's. And I am fully aware of the 20th gate, and what the connection between the 10 and 20th gate, what that is. And the correct and healthy connection between the 10th and 20th gate is actually about love.

I love you because you wake me up. I love you because with you I can see. I love you because with you, I can love myself, and love the other, and it's never codependent.


And this is my truth.


The feeling of being safe with the reflector was based on the trust I had with myself, trusting my design, and having a trusting friendship/companionship with Sjef, but never about needing him for anything.

I didn't need him to take care of me, I didn't need anything from him, but I very much enjoyed his company and would have liked to connect much more deeply, with presence, and I see now how much this is the most important thing for myself within relationship.

And because I have a split definition, what is most important about correctness when being with the other, is i have to be invited, asked, accepted and welcomed to share was is needed by me. And this is what happens in relationships with splits.

Which when Sjef and I are together, our new quantum is a Split Definition Splenic Projector. Relating on this level, with any other, and seeing these things are important.

And above all, what is absolutely necessary and needed for myself is i require space to be within my own aura, to feel myself, to be myself, to see life clearly, to be able to give to the other, to be able to be correct in my environment, to be able to live as a projector to get to know the other and see the other, and also, to be able to study the other in the way in which I never get lost in any of that.

This is love. This is true love, for me, for myself. I am never peoples projections. I am me, and I am beautiful. I am worthy of so much more. And I should be deeply respected for this capability of seeing.

The relating could have been so much better, the sex, the conversations, everything. And from now on, forward, i need this in relationships.

When being there, Sjef kept trying to feed me, and mentioned saying, "I just want to make sure you have enough food."

My design was taking in the conditioning, the reflector aura, and was hungry for connection when being there, and orgasms, even if just with myself. But conversation, and love making sex. Which reminds me of, a quote - from Alok. If we can have a great conversation, maybe we can have lunch together, and then maybe we can have sex, but the conversation is everything.

This is 9 centered living and relating. Uranian connection.


Some other stuff also, about after coming home. And giving Sjef ample space and timing for processing, Sjef flip flopped a bunch. I like this, I don't like this. This is for me, this isn't for me. The this is correct - and there were conversations, finally, after like two weeks of just living life, waiting for knowing the correctness about PTL1 with Lynette, and just letting the reflector do its thing. Then there was a conversation where Sjef was asked for a picture "of u", then a picture from the side, to the front view, etc. And you know prior, when flip flopping, was a mentioning of "I like this sex talk, and I like the idea of seeing all of you naked, etc" and the reply to that was, "No lol" - so when asked for a pic later on, after the reflector saying this picture is for a passport (for America, to visit Maine), i was in the bathtub, biking.

And instead of having a picture of the body down, naked, I sent a picture of only my head, which I knew that- and I knew then, instead of that being taken as playing, that was taken differently.

Which another thing, I was told I was threatening when being in the Netherlands, for asking about cum swapping, which I was only playing about. Sheer playfulness. I have never cum swapped with anyone ever. But playfully asking, and actually, if the reply was yes, that probably would have happened. The thing is, i was never asked about anything, about being spit into my mouth, about being asked about anything sexually, of how to orgasm, of what I liked, about what felt good - I was just told, "you like this".


I realize now how strange and odd all of that was. And that confused me for months, because after that conversation of sending pictures, and being told about getting a passport again, Sjef deleted me from Skype, and basically told me something - I don't really know.

I remember I said, "okay daddy baby" and i went to lay in bed, to relax - because all of that shit was.. an emotional wave of junk that i couldn't sift through. i had literally went to lay in bed, alone to hermit, to clear out, to go back online later to discuss and be there for the other, once again.

And what i returned to was a bunch of shit, once again.... of not being seen, or appreciated, valued, respected, listened to, unable to play with the other in any kind of way, and basically treated like i was untrustworthy and undervalued even to the point of no longer being a friend or in Sjef's network.

Sjef later emailed, and the emailed again for an invitation to his new forum. i didn't feel seen by that, and I couldn't make myself feel seen, and I couldn't make any conversation be had, and I couldn't make myself be valued by that person.

And I realized none of that stuff had anything to do with me. But probably, or seemingly seemed like, all of that stuff is what Sjef tells to all kinds of women. Repetitively. Seeking out romantic relationships from mind, that never work out, and always trying to make things happen out of that open G center.

I mean the hardest part to look at was that was probably Sjef's G center conditioning talking, and that i was never actually seen.

So, i was left to process everything alone, couldn't really tell anyone, couldn't really share anything with anyone, and above all, that was my living your design guide a long time ago, who invited me to human design.

The thing about the reflectors breathing, that's another thing, i didn't just notice during sex, but the entire time when in the Netherlands. Sjef couldn't breathe, during sex, during lots of things, just sitting together, but especially at night when having sleep. Which is funny, because when first meeting, i was asked, "are you breathing okay?"

For myself, was never about breathing, but about blood pressure. Which fluctuates because of heart definition, being around people, etc. Which either goes higher or lower, or is specifically balanced when given the time to be with myself in aura.

So anyway, later on when being invited to that forum, and being asked for money, my design felt no recognition or of being seen then, and didn't even look at that forum.

Which is interesting that Sjef would ever think - that my design would ever join such a thing. As the only reason before would have been to empower the reflector and Sjef for creating such a forum, and empowering as a friend or relationship.

Funny thing though, i am still being observed and the blog is still being read. Which is another thing, i was lied to. And after seeing that i was lied to about the blog being read, who knows what else i had been lied to about.


So i was projected upon that i was unsafe, when in reality, i was never unsafe. i was actually the safe one, the non-strategic one, and the fully present one.


It has taken months to work this out, processing wise, through seeing all of these things, which I realize now the true effect of the other that is had upon myself within aura.

I truly love myself.

And I am so proud... to see, that when I had finally come home, I had the truest experience at the airport, of how much love was had with design. How much I truly trusted design, how I was literally married to my design, and how I no longer seeked partnership in the ways I did as a third line so long ago.

I learned so much about myself, about the other, about relationships, friendships, partnerships, but most of all - what i really need, and am worth -