A pattern emerged, a recognition of me doing was spotted. As I’m in the 4 Transformation courses we get to experiment and investigate some of our behavior and mental processes, and stuff comes up.

And one of the realizations is that those patterns have been there all along, bubbling, like lava on top, bubble, bubble, a never ending cascade of fresh lava, of new bubbles, a chemical processing of stuff. *blip, blop, bubble*

And one of the bubbles is this recurring perception of utter deep and overwhelming suffocating boredom, as a pattern. So deeply and utterly bored with elements of this life, with things that happen, especially those that do happen. And recognizing now, it is a pattern, it happened many, many times before, and the results are nearly identical. This sense of suffocation and loathing and their subsequent action(s)

This particular pattern emerges as a noticing of more and more resistance to ‘do’ the weekly experiment suggestions of a course. This is a pattern that I recognize throughout my life but starting as early as about 13 years old and then particularly in school and classes, which for one major part has gotten me in so much trouble with schools and teachers and their authority.

Where one of the reactions to the boredom, one of the resolutions to solve it was to use to write all the homework to make with a pen in ink, while all the reading and learning homework was written in pencil so I could stuff it out before my mom checked if I had more homework. Being able to show all the making homework done and all the to study work carefully evaporated. Now true, not every class I ever done this pattern emerged but most, o yeah. So I purposefully placed bombs under it. I actively rebelled, but was still super disgusted by the consequences of my own ‘retaliations’

There is no noticing of boredom, there is a noticing of loathing, of feeling something inside me well up, rise up, and then seeks to become disruptive, to oppose the perceived (judged) source of boredom, which usually is the teacher and what they are teaching. To loudly oppose the teachings in a class full of children, and to be utterly convinced of the correctness in doing so. Because after all, there is something outside myself to blame for my own perception, there is always something or someone to blame !

And became so obnoxious to class and those teachers whom I had focused on, that after having done the 1st grade of high-school twice and then the second grade they told me: Sjef, you’re going to have to do the 2nd grade again … but not here.

So I went to a different school, a lower level, where my smarts got me into the 3rd grade instead of needing to redo the 2nd grade, and flowed into the 4th grade where I had even taken extra lessons during the breaks for higher levels, but when the exams came, and their results, they literally said: Sjef, you failed your exams, and even your re-exams, so you need to redo the 4th grade … but not here.

And I reasoned within my own mind of how unjust it all was, what bastards they were, for this and that, and sure I had some compelling arguments to seek some changes in their systems, and yes this one teacher really behaved like a fucking asshole abusing his position of power, but… but.

But it is I, who has the -perception- of boredom. It is I that seeks something else than what is offered, it is I that has judged and interpreted the going ons. It is I who responded to all this with different behavior while not accepting the consequences of my own doings, of my own responses to them simply being.

But that is not even the story, however repetitive this pattern has become in life. However deep the perceptions of this interpretation of boredom had become, and are seemingly felt in life, however justifiable one could call it and argue about the origins, or to look in the chart and say, well it could be your individual melancholy acting up again. And that is partly true, too.

And yes, there is (just) a(nother) victimization pattern in it, lurking underneath the surface. Owning your perceptions of life, owning the responses that follow, owning the reasoning for your doings, for your reactions, for your solving the perception of a wrong, for solving what you have deemed and judged yourself as something to not want in your life. Triggered to reply and retaliate with certain actions, which are grind down into a pattern easy to follow. While fortifying the belief that this is a fight that can be won.

But there is more, there is another layer to this noticing of behavior. To the realization of declaring boredom loudly being a victim pattern. Here is the crux:

It is -all- made up by the mind, it is all the doing of my mind tricking me into -believing- I even fucking -have- a pattern. The mind is giving me a double illusion of stepping through the veil, when it is just one of multiple veils. The mind has constructed not one but more veils, and I get to step through one, in the illusion of living happily ever after, while staying firmly in control with just another layer.

I’m not bored, I’m in the illusion of the perception of boredom, which is an illusion of the perception of a hunger and drive for victimization, which is the perception of the illusion of … well something else. Something else.

But I’m not bored, and I’m not a victim, I only think I am, I only perceive and interpret and judge me to be, while living in the illusion of that experience.

MoonBlog 59.2

Gate 59 of sexuality, dispersion. The ability to break down barriers to achieve union

Gate 59 Line 2 shyness. Self-imposed barriers.
Exalted: preferred and natural separateness that protects against the inevitable instability engendered by union. The restriction of the sex drive to maintain separateness.
Detriment: calculated shyness, rooted in deep psychological barriers, that even in dynamic individuals will always restrict interaction. Infertility, rooted psychologically or biologically, that conditions the drive for separateness.