Unconscious

is what I feel like today, now. As if I had a severe blow to the head, somewhat intoxicated even.

I’m sitting here over emotional, but very quiet. Observing myself, my feelings, my triggers, my shadows, the timing and impact of things here and now. I’m feeling my gut, a knot.
Trying to dive in deeper, not running away. Even though I have done several distracting things, I don’t seem to be able to walk away from a deeper and longer experience of this, what is.

I had an ever ecstatic life building up since a few weeks ago. I am very busy with all these courses, interacting with people on different levels, and this permaculture/garden is taking up quite a bit of resources, mentally and physically.

In my ecstasy, I expanded some more towards others, and we shared our lives some more. I was not on a cloud yet, but I sure did feel like floating/flying.

Last Saturday I got a letter which was posted Friday, to ‘report’ to the ‘work-first’ agency on Tuesday for a ‘placement’ conversation. Which I found rather short notice, but they are the ‘work-first’ office for some reasons…

And there I was told about procedures and some rules, and mostly of the possibilities within their company, because they have quite a few, and where I might fit in. So this all sounded very interesting, and I was still floating in the idea of needing to get some minor kick-in-the-butt, but still ease into this kind of normal working environment, which I have never known.

And the enniest psychologist evaluation said: leave him alone, please.
Which is no longer good enough for me. I don’t want to fiddle my thumbs anymore, I do want to do something. I -am- doing something. 4 courses at the same time, and then there is the rest of my life.

In earlier conversations I opted for the leave me alone job (like a delivery man) and/or something where my brain is triggered to resolve stuff, but the -less- auric contact the better. And definitely not on a daily basis either. I had given them a copy of the list with all course dates I’m already doing and so on, again. Every time repeating that it would be odd to throw away the several thousands I put in myself in all these courses to better my self and get out of this benefit situation.

Then I was told to get into the program of 8 half-day parts (32hrs) each week starting this Monday, or else…

If I’d walk out of there, I would lose my benefits, and I told him, this must be a mistake, cause they see me as a 0 hour client, I’m the one who proposed 8hrs myself, and now you don’t see the danger of me being forced into an 32hrs environment?

I wanted to shout out loud: “I’M NOT A FUCKING GENERATOR YOU MORONS” but I knew they would not understand, how could they?

And the threath, and the way it was given to me, that we all have 3 choices in everyday life. To go along with it, to change it, or to walk away. And he sensed me walking away and torching the place…

Instead I asked him how much time I had to sort out this obvious administrative error. Now even he started calling my contact in the agency that send me to this one. On vacation this week. I wanted to say: typical, but I had to acknowledge that it could not have been on purpose. And blaming is sooo 2005… 😉

(hmm writing this already relieves me more than anything I tried before)

I had until Monday to sort it out, cause they were on a tight schedule, and I did refused to co-operate. (I have permaculture class all Monday and Tuesday and a hosting call Monday night, aaaargh)

My life fell apart,

really.

Just there and then.

Visions of needing to become criminal, for food, for housing, to go back into a world I have fought my way out of, but realizing with this mind and without the substance ab/use from before I would make a mean mf-ing ‘better’ criminal ever ! EVER !

I warned them so many times that I do -not- want to go back there, and I -do- need help staying out. And yes there -is- a distance between me and 9-5 jobs, and I am a failed self-employed business man with 20 K in debt. But how strong/wrong can one be…?

They gave me I received a really good scare.

Coming home, I immediately phoned the psychologist’s office for confirmation (I never saw the test-results myself) to ask if I was relieved for joining the schemes, or for several hours only, or if there were no limitations in his view what so ever.

They said he would call me back. Found a temporary replacement for my contact, and he would try to find this report and look into it, and call me back also. I was still noticing my own behavior, and was amazed how deep and profound I felt shaken to my core, even though calm and quiet, I was shattered. It felt like heart-broken.

Amazing
to witness
to feel
to be (!)

So I looked at myself making lunch (making lunch !) trying not to panic, trying to calm myself, reassuring myself with how many days left to counter this.
Clock slowly ticking forward, and after 1 hour still nobody called back, but I let it be. I would give them 2,5 hours before re-calling them and inquiring about the status.

Boy would my contact get a mouthful come Monday, I thought.

Internet is always a good solace and distracter, and I even read some incarnation crosses in this lull of nothingness. There was nothing to do for a bit, and nothing to think, or strategize, only to be present, with the feelings I could notice, and thinking about others I did not notice.

2 minutes before I wanted to re-call them, the replacement called me. He had found the report, found it difficult to interpret, phoned and spoke the psychologist who found it odd that I was in any program at all, for whatever hours. And he had also spoken with the dude from this morning’s work-first office. Whom I spoke to a little after. But now all will be put in my file(s). My contact notified come Monday, and I do not have to fear for any repercussions.

I spoke briefly with the ‘this morning dude’ after, where he said to return my dossier to them, cause he really saw no place for me in their operation, and made a suggestion for doing some volunteering anywhere I damn pleased, if they would have me, and I found it useful one way or the other.

Hmmm (undecided)

What an impact

Addendum:
I hate the fact to feel the need to threaten, or raise my voice, or speak of the past, just to be respected for the being I embody. I realise now, I did all this before in response, out of fear, forcing the square peg in the round hole. And becoming (a)fluent in that, that I could wear it, go in it’s flow, master the abyss.
I’m tired of defending…
So maybe I should not go there anymore for a bit, not even 8hrs. Cause the unguarded bliss I’m slowly g(r)o(w)ing into can not handle/cope with this mundane bullshit.

Addendum 2:
I wrote a letter to my contact, stating that I don’t want any contact anymore if at all possible, not even for volunteering, for at least a while, cause I was really shaken up by all this.