I feel nowhere more near to any waking up, as to when I was about 12-13 years old and cried my eyes out and lamented to the people in the room to want to be grown up.
No one asked precisely why I would want that or seek the cause of the depth of that desire, but I knew then and still do now, it was because I could make my own damn choices and not be so dependent on others, even parents. Or maybe especially them, at least back then.
I feel deeper and deeper aware these days, some 33 years later, aware of what life is about, as I tap into my memories of my past and all that I witnessed and learned. Things I experienced, for real, things I imagined, for real too, things that made sense, in the long deep grinding time consuming contemplations, years went by, sometimes crawling sometimes flying.
But still nowhere pushing through, punching through any veil.
Playing with both the deeper explorations of duality through this Human Design system, as well as exploring this otherworldy space of non-duality.
I’ve always been very reluctant of any kind of system, or teaching, person, guru, modality, religion or belief. That is, from others. My own ofcourse were carefully grown and then groomed, to flourish over time. I’ve always been quite contemplative, and sometimes feel I’m onto something, and then regularly fall back into unknowing, ununderstanding, not comprehending, not being able to tie the knots or connect the dots, over and over and over again.
I met, people into, Osho (Bhagwan) twice in my life but never felt drawn to follow these people to follow this guru kind of person, and his/their teachings and rules, until a third time only 5 years ago, I then ended up visiting the Resort in Puna India for about 3 months and had an interesting time, started reading his books and generally like what is said. Generally. I am not the kind of person to adhere to communal endeavors. I’d love to visit there again, and perhaps say hi to some of the people I met there, and meet some new ones, but he, nor anyone else is my one and only go to kind of inspiration. Or shuffler of my mental deck
I am in a deep exploration of this dualistic Human Design System, and as far as I can tell, it explains the mechanics of this plane, of the dualistic Maia. If you do not know anything about HD, or misinterpret it, then it makes no sense to dwell on it and can easily fall in line with anyone else seeking to contradict it.
I am under the impression to get HD, that I understand it, while continuing to study it ever deeper and further, but as a framework, as a description of the mechanics of this Maia, yes, I think I get it. And it got me, got to me.
Also enjoyed a sojourn into the GeneKeys which is similar to HD but then deeper into our psychological behaviour, triggers, and how we seem to experience our heart in all that.
But… if there is also a thing called non-duality, or a place, if anything inside the Maia is a complete illusion and fabrication, which I am still not convinced of either way, then it (HD and my life in and with it) is a fruitless endeavor. But here my mind plays tricks with me, believing some of the things I read or interpret myself, and simply not understanding it anymore when it comes to non-duality
I laugh out loud and sometimes cackle when reading Jed McKenna, I love his suggestive writings a lot, his humor seems a testament of social intellect and grasping things, understanding things both micro and macro. I guess I seek this kind of understanding.
‘I can not not do this’ speaks to me, cause that is how I often perceive my own doings, and my mind, as I explore this or that, unable to not go there, a drive and hunger, curiosity, seeking mind and body, to get it, grok it, to understand and be able to use it perhaps.
I love the understanding of the interpretations of the shadows on the wall, of the rigged stage, the theater and then outside, but I feel out of touch with sensing that outside the theater ‘space’. No tastes or smells, no sounds, no breathes of it raising my arms hairs, nothing comes. Nothing is -experienced- about -that-, there is no perception of it, only a mental conceptual understanding that it might exist, even seems logical (…) that it would.
Balancing between sanity and insanity, exploring the possibility that the whole awakening enlightenment is simply a psychosis in and of itself (an older Blog about it here: There Can Be Only One), a re-adjustment in mental pathways, interpretation, of 1+1=4, and once you can see the validity of that, are under the impression of experiencing, you have arrived, and no longer seek any answers, or have dissolved your questions, and the search is over.
Recently started reading Bernadette Roberts, and when exchanging her use of the word God with life than I get -what- she is saying, seeing the parallels with the Human Design explanation that all our perceivable universe is, is an unborn entity (fetus). One life, one being, one universe. ‘God/life is not -in- anything, everything is -in- God/life’. Conceptually I get that, totally, except I have not experienced that myself. Not felt it to be true, sensed it as me being that kind of part of the whole and it me, or the being I presume to be me as consciousness living, of being awareness itself by the sheer awareness of me being. Bla
The concept of the (Human Design) fetus makes it imaginable that we are -one-, the (HD) information about the vast neutrino ocean soup we are submerged in, gives the impression of seeing how we are indeed deeply interconnected, how what we see in the distance even, has never left our touch.
How only our ignorance of this or that, helps us make these horrific decisions, supporting us to end up being hypocrites and assholes to ourselves and others. How the stupidity rules within us, and trickles down into daily life. And how we are poised to keep entertaining our fears and others from anything new, unknown, or not meeting this vast array of conditions, as we hold on to our cultural belongings, cling to the confines of our own unwillingness to explore any further, anything alone.
While feeling deep inside that these dogmatic tones, these combination of words, syllables uttered as dire warnings of misbehavior; you’re not living in the now, never mind the future, and your past does not define you’ simply being aware that pushing yourself to -do- that, or -undo- that is not helping at all, it becomes just another prison of the mind. Another rule to follow or not follow, another limitation put in place.
Just Another Fucking (not) doing.
Again conceptually, great, but if you’re not feeling that, or have gone over any kind of threshold for grokking, it is just words, just more laws to adhere to. Another ritual imposed, whether dancing around mushrooms, or whipping yourself into this or that state, meditating in such and such a pose, it is trying to invoke certain temporary states.
It is the distraction of the untrue, lived as a means to an end, to control our lives.
I get all that, or think I do, but then what?
This Koan, that Koan, is it really just an-other mind game?
Gate 13 of the listener, the fellowship of man. Universal ideas and values in an ordered framework which inspires humanistic cooperation.
Gate 13 Line 3 Pessimism. The belief that what is best can never be achieved.
Exalted: A lack of trust that can only be transformed through concrete evidence. Openness that is conditioned by suspicion and seeks evidence.
Detriment: Pessimism exalted to an art form, where as art, it may have the opposite effect. Satire. Where the rightness of suspicion can inspire satire.