4/6 Reflector PLL-DLR

Enlightenment

MoonBlog 13.3 Pessimism

I feel nowhere more near to any waking up, as to when I was about 12-13 years old and cried my eyes out and lamented to the people in the room to want to be grown up.
No one asked precisely why I would want that or seek the cause of the depth of that desire, but I knew then and still do now, it was because I could make my own damn choices and not be so dependent on others, even parents. Or maybe especially them, at least back then.

I feel deeper and deeper aware these days, some 33 years later, aware of what life is about, as I tap into my memories of my past and all that I witnessed and learned. Things I experienced, for real, things I imagined, for real too, things that made sense, in the long deep grinding time consuming contemplations, years went by, sometimes crawling sometimes flying.

But still nowhere pushing through, punching through any veil.

Playing with both the deeper explorations of duality through this Human Design system, as well as exploring this otherworldy space of non-duality.

I’ve always been very reluctant of any kind of system, or teaching, person, guru, modality, religion or belief. That is, from others. My own ofcourse were carefully grown and then groomed, to flourish over time. I’ve always been quite contemplative, and sometimes feel I’m onto something, and then regularly fall back into unknowing, ununderstanding, not comprehending, not being able to tie the knots or connect the dots, over and over and over again.

I met, people into, Osho (Bhagwan) twice in my life but never felt drawn to follow these people to follow this guru kind of person, and his/their teachings and rules, until a third time only 5 years ago, I then ended up visiting the Resort in Puna India for about 3 months and had an interesting time, started reading his books and generally like what is said. Generally. I am not the kind of person to adhere to communal endeavors. I’d love to visit there again, and perhaps say hi to some of the people I met there, and meet some new ones, but he, nor anyone else is my one and only go to kind of inspiration. Or shuffler of my mental deck
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Moon Blog 59.4

All those lovely creatures doing all their coming together, all kinds of spiritual work, all the rituals all the movements, all the behaviorisms deemed to help them wake up, or even maybe, possibly, some day, if they are good enough, attain enlightenment. while not for once seeing, seeing with their minds eyes, that they will be stuck in the mannerisms and meditations the yoga exercises the roughing it out and chantings in groups, the long or short pilgrimages in the illusion that that is, how you wake the fuck up. That it is through the act, the doing, the postures, day in and day out, is how you become, or are a good person, a correct person, one who is awake. And all that is now needed, is only more people doing exactly like you are, thinking exactly like you too, what you are against, what you are for, having the same vision of how to better a world, how to change what is unwanted. If my own individual thoughts and behaviours, prayers, mantra’s and facetube posts do not help, it must be a numbers game. 144.000 people maybe/perhaps, as we then seek and ploy, to gain momentum, never alone, never enough, never good enough, never, NEVER ! How to change, this, and that, change, never accepting, never dropping, never letting go. Well, letting go of all the things we deem bad in ourselves, dropping all of those that we can not include in our vision for this world, for what we deem and seem and agree upon of what is spiritually correct, as we make signs to hang next to our frontdoors “love and light only”. While still not understanding why we, ourselves still suffer so much, inside, and when we can not contain it any longer, as it overflows our outside, our connections with others, our interactions, where we feel shame for our human behaviour, where we talk and talk gratuitously about our perceived wrongdoings, but never about our unwanted thoughts, our unwanted desires our yearnings, cravings, that are unfit to share, to express. How we overflow with angry frustrations, about our lives, our situations, our love lives. how, we, overflow but keep our heads down in search for the next, the next, the next… solution, the next meditation, the next group, in the next country, with the next lover. That lover who is, just like us, so open minded, so identical to our vision for the world, that was never my own vision but is something I fell into, and adhered to, felt drawn to. So I would not feel so alone anymore, so helpless, and incompetent, so ashamed, so angry, so… Until that lover too turns out to be an angry frustrated overflowing blob of shameful helplessness trapped in mannerisms and behaviourisms clinging with clasping fingertips to a sign from a frontdoor packing a bag in the hasted escape to another, the next, the … other… the other…?
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