actually, the reflector is great –

On the interwebs I read:

(txt file copy here: 20230207.txt)

So I would have preferred to have this on a vlog, but will type instead.

This has taken months of looking at things from angles, literally. From determination, to cognition, environment, motivation, to view. From looking at things about the other, to seeing things that I had learned about myself through things I had seen through other people around. Through Ra audio, through things about Projector’s, invitations, being asked, through seeing the transits without looking them up through other people during the time I had visited in the Netherlands.

We can look at things for 20 years and still be wrong, I see people do this often, as if the length or depth of looking has any bearing on the results of the looking, or it qualifies as more better or something.

And from really looking at my thoughts, and also, what the body was like in the Netherlands, what Sjef was like, what the Reflector was like – how i felt there, and how things looked from the outside, when no longer being in the Netherlands. What i actually looked like, when no longer focused on the other.

We can only look at ourselves, and how -we perceive- the other, but we can never say how someone else ‘was like’. Cause we are not them, we can only interpret, so it is always far more nuanced.

What actually happened is my design received an invitation to a place in which i actually couldn’t experience any time in my own aura. I was told when going to the Netherlands, there would be two rooms. And there were/are two rooms in that apartment. But the apartment is so small, that there is no place in that apartment really, where people can be outside of the aura of another. The apartment is literally for one human.

Is that what ‘actually happened’? Or did you interpret it as such…?

Now, I can’t say for sure that Sjef actually knew that. Because Sjef explained how he actually had a girlfriend live in that apartment with him in the past.


Here’s the thing, physical things like walls, aren’t capable of separating auras. Auras are roughly 5 feet all around the physical body, outward – in every direction.

I’d say it’s rather 10 feet or about 3 meters, ‘2 arms lengths on either side’ makes for double, easy. And of course (!) varying upon the person, the day, the mood, or whatever else aura size may influence (no one really knows), a quote:
In other words, the aura breathes. And it’s very important not to see it as something that is static. It’s not like you’re moving in a fixed shell, like you’re inside an egg or something. You really have to understand that this is something that is breathing. More than that, that breathing fluctuation can go from being quite large-so for example, if you stand up and you place your arms up in the air away from you, spreading your arms as far as they can so you’ve got your full wingspan, if you double the length of that distance, twice an arm length on either side going all the way around you in every direction, that’s approximately the maximum potential.” – Ra Uru Hu

But I have shared my apartment plan, either like this

or more probable like this

And another thing, I never need to measure to know whether or not a person is within my aura. So within that apartment, sleeping in Sjef’s bed, and sleeping on the couch were literally no different from one another. I realize also, when visiting there, I never took the time to explain that, no one asked.

Oh oh, no one asked…
Not like there were no conversations before, video chats, emails, skypes, where one could ask and share openly about anything/everything, but now one needed to be asked and invited all over again, and again, and again? Just because you got stuck (by mind or other) does not mean someone else needs to get you unstuck. You’re the passenger after all.

I just kind of kept taking small little notes, through seeing, what appeared to be with cognition.

Before I went to the Netherlands I was told going there seemed to be the best option because no one could afford meeting or visiting anywhere else. That’s something I probably should have noticed, that seemed strange. And kind of did. But I was like, ok that guy was my living your design guide, and he knows whether or not there is enough aura space. I trusted in that. I trusted Sjef’s word.

You’ve got to live -your- design, I can only explain how it was until then, with others, but yeah, that is a stupid mistake of your mind, pretending it is trusting anything, cause it does not even really trust something, ever. It just parks it somewhere, pretend not needing to worry about this anymore, so it can focus on all the other stuff it worries about. None of which is Inner Authority.

Here’s the thing, for everything correct in life, I can ‘obtain’ the money for. I could have gotten money to stay at a hotel before going to the Netherlands, and actually had $,1000.00 within a day or so after being there. Which meant, if I wasn’t so focused on the other, and had been asked anything like this, i could have had a hotel room probably bigger than that apartment, that would have given time and space to be within my own aura… just myself.

When looking at all of that later, I realized the only time i was alone when in the Netherlands is when Sjef went out to do stuff, which happened a few days, for maybe an hour or so, ish. And also, I noticed i had way more showers there than i regularly would when at home.

Which seemed like for two reasons; the first reason is because, it seemed likely the only time when in my own aura in that apartment when Sjef was there, was when the reflector was on the computer, and when i was in the shower. Also, direct light transferred is hot thirst.


So another thing, there was only direct light through the windows in the bedroom. Looking at this now, I realize the only time i felt like i had any energy, was in that bedroom. My body was extremely lethargic in that apartment. But I couldn’t notice that when being there.

Another thing, when finally arriving to that apartment, i was exhausted. And at the time, I thought that was because of traveling, the distance, the time change, or maybe jet lag. What I see now is that the exhaustion was from being surrounded by people for a long period of time.

I had spent the days before packing for travel, at home with Anya and Xander – no babysitter. Then Trena and Cody had come over. Trena to drive me to the airport, and Cody to have the kids over for babysitting. I spent the ride to the airport with Trena, then from airport to airport around people for probably a full day straight of travel.

I remember when finally getting to Sjef, I was like, ‘let’s get out of here’. Being in an airport is hard to describe. But in basic terms or words, i couldn’t feel shit and didn’t know what i felt in an airport. And i definitely couldn’t feel the reflector aura in the airport, until going outside, and being quite a distance from all people.

And yes, Sjef picked me up from the airport. But here’s another thing. Basically everyone says, Projectors should have their trips paid for, by who ever is inviting them. See, I never made a big deal out of that. Sjef said he didn’t have money, or couldn’t. But in reality, he could, but didn’t. He didn’t even pay for half. And somehow that never seemed to bother me then. You know, I can prove myself, Sjef can’t, etc. Whatever.

What do they say about Reflectors, or even about Reflector Rulers, do you know? ๐Ÿ˜‰
And, did I really invite you over, did I, or did -you-?
Fine either way, but if it is all so incorrect, why did you come? Who came actually? And what the hell for?

I see now that I’d probably never do that ever again.

Again, who is saying this, it was all soooo correct beforehand, I was even told not to need to pay, at all. Cause at the time, I indeed had no money, so I would not have invited you. But you said you would come and pay yourself. Great, cool, awesome. Only later on, some money did come, but I was already told not to need to pay anything, you would even take care of me, and get groceries and pay for all kinds of outings and trips, so yeah I used those monies for other things, as I was told I was going to be well taken care of.

So, the next thing. When Sjef brought me to his apartment, immediately i went straight to the bed. I even remember knowing i wouldn’t be able to wear high heels after that travel day, because I knew i wouldn’t be able to walk well afterwards. Which is funny, cause i couldn’t.

So immediately when meeting me, Sjef tried to kiss me, and i pulled away. Here’s another thing I looked at later on. When together, the reflector and myself were no longer just our own designs, but a new quantum. The reflector then was conditioned by all of my definition, and i was conditioned by everything about the reflector, the gates, the quantum, and all of the not self stuff.

Yeah, the promises of great sex, and lusting even at the airport already, oh the promises, the picture that was painted by you. I felt a clear yes to all of those. I would be soo very much loved and lusted for, damn. Yes, yes please !
And she just pulled back… stuck again, in her head. Walking around like a peacock, doing all kinds or purrdy, but not even remotely approachable or interacting, always on a cloud, judging people, their every minutiae zoomed in and then mentally processed and then vomited/written on her blog.
And yes, you looked at it, with your mind, and then judged it, with your mind. It is not truth just because you looked at it. Your not omniscient. You’re a peacock, a totally useless bird.
When together, our charts make up this or that combination, but neither of us is either Living their Design, or at 100%. You’re mindfucking the map and then reverse engineering it to ‘make sense of’ with your Head and Ajna.. .

Those things I couldn’t see then. I didn’t notice them at all. But when together, Sjef and I are a Splenic Projector. See, I don’t really have a good grasp on being splenic. I don’t relate to that. But I realize now, pulling away was probably because i actually didn’t trust splenically to kiss then. Now the next thing, when getting to that apartment, and going straight to the bed, was like my body just led me there. i practically collapsed into that bed.

And Sjef was trying to have sex. Sjef was talking about my pussy, for a while.

See, i didn’t just spend all my time tired and around people all that time before getting there, but was also on my period. My body was so tired then. And Sjef didn’t really get that, or maybe he didn’t see, or care, who knows.

You said the period would not matter, if anything changed, all you got to do is say so, but I guess I’d better say now already, what has been so obvious to me since you visiting me, before all these other words and funny projections and mindfucks and accusations; You don’t relate well to other people. You judge them from a far, far distance and then mull it all over in your head, about what supposedly is what. Even when being right there fucking with them, in aura. You are not present, you are in your head mulling over every finicky detail, every word, every move, pretending the other does exactly that to you.
You talked back, but basically were smoking cigarettes and just zoning out.
Which is why, after some initial dramatic emails between us, after you went home, I just walked away and stopped contact. Including not visiting your blog for at least a month, if not more.
But you’ll get to that later ๐Ÿ˜‰

Here’s another thing, I knew the reflector aura felt good, and tasted good, and that my aura liked it. But there was something else, that seemed strange. Immediately, Sjef began talking about visiting Maine. Here’s another thing I looked back at and realized afterwards that I had no awareness of at the time.

I am right minded. I am entirely receptive, and present, and have no strategic actions, plans, or any – what’s the word – expectations. And I realize now, Sjef had kept trying to make me focus, trying to condition me to be strategic, and kept accusing or projecting me of being so, when in fact, Sjef was the one being strategic, planning, and saying things that I had never thought of at all.

Nobody tried anything, now you make me look like an intentional whateverthefuck. Someone being strategic does not make them a sociopath, you motherfucker.
It is a mechanical and thus natural capacity to do things in a planned coordinated way. I can do that, but not always even do so.
We had talked about visiting Maine before, a few times, and when you were there, I felt a pull to go into that a bit more. Not ‘immediately’ nor is there nothing wrong with ‘saying things you never thought of at all.’
Other people have actual other lives, and thoughts, and thought processes, so yeah, it happens that someone can mention something that you ‘never thought of at all’. Peacock.

My mind was totally empty when visiting there. I hardly thought anything. But was seeing with outer vision. For example: Sjef mentioned noticing i would come out of the bathroom and wash my hands in the kitchen. And lots of times would only wash my fingertips. Well, there was no soap for myself to use anywhere in the apartment. i would look around, and every time when going in to the toilet room, or the shower room, there were hand soap pumps, with no soap in them. There was only a tiny bit of soap in the hand soap pump in the kitchen. And there were all these little towels everywhere, right- but I didn’t know which towel to use.

I mentioned that there was no soap in the toilet but there is in the kitchen, if you want to wash your hands. In both the kitchen and bathroom there are also soap pumps, not empty then, still working, I use them almost daily, and only today I refilled the one in the kitchen, all this time it was working perfectly fine. If you notice one being empty (which it wasn’t), you can communicate that. Anyways there is always a bar of actual honey soap on the kitchen counter in its neat little soap tray, next to the not so empty soap pump, it looks like this

and I get them here:
and this is its tray:
And that is why I spoke up about it, not cause you were under a magnifying glass, but to tell you stuff about my house which you complain about not having been told anything elsewhere in this blog. So when you do not say something it is bad, and when you do say something it is bad. And why the fuck only wash your fingertips, nasty…
So, anyways, in the toilet was a sink and a small towel, no soap though, in the kitchen is a sink with a small towel and soap bar and a soap pump, in the bathroom is a sink with a soap pump and a small towel, you can use -any- towel or soap or soap pump you want.

So since I’m right minded, and not strategic at all, I wasn’t actively looking around or seeking for things in that apartment. So here’s another thing – most people, when bringing me into a new place, they show you around, right? Here’s where my pots and pans are, here’s the drinking water, here’s the food in the fridge (the Reflector bought food, groceries that i would like to have in the apartment), but i wasn’t really shown where anything was, how to use anything, or invited or asked really to use any of them.

You were incredibly distant and probably tired, so it did not happen, it was not in the flow, you seemed a real grown up person, or portray as one, project outwardly, you were, not a little girl, or a toddler. The kitchen has cupboards, loads of m, opening them does work… Your Outer Vision, which you have in both PHS as wel as in your Environment as Tonal cognition can just see, everything.

I remember getting a drink of water from the tap, and was asked, “did you find the drinking water?” “no, i used the water from the tap”. Because those aren’t the kinds of things I see with outer vision, and being PRL DLL. My mind isn’t strategic, so I don’t go looking for things like that. I don’t know how. And that’s interesting because many years ago, that’s how I used to be. And being like a long time ago, is what used to make me so stressed. My parents used to make me be strategic, but I never knew that until Human Design. And I don’t actually think Sjef knew or saw this. I don’t think Sjef knew or was aware that I am receptive, he just kept asking and saying things about being strategic to me.

This is why I asked, basically saying: do you need help? Often, several times, but oooh do those often times bite me in the ass now, cause now they’re all a strategic manipulation ๐Ÿ˜€

But I didn’t realize, because my entire auric focus was on the reflector. When I look back at all the things Sjef said to me, most of them were about himself, and I realized I really saw Sjef’s conditioning, which I had always seen before, but actually saw in person. Specifically about the G center, the Heart, and the Throat, even the Head.

I was totally receptive, present, and just being there with him. And my design was really there. The visit was the result of correctness, correct strategy and authority, and seeing now, was probably karma from my left angle. For lots of reasons. i felt and I knew somehow, that I knew that person. But I couldn’t really tell anyone how, or why.

Ah correctness it is now is it? So why bitch about money, now? Correct = correct = correct.

Funny thing also, the star family thing came up. I never needed to look at the star degree or name to know that Sjef been of the same star group. But later confirmed that quite a long time ago, probably around the time of looking at the astrology when asked to do so, because of the nodes, etc.

So here’s another thing I remember really vividly, the sexual situations. Which is a lot to explain, really. But for one, I remember Sjef saying later after sex something like, “I’ve seen the way you look at me, like you would be KLR.”

What is (a) KLR?

That’s another strategic thing, which I had no idea how he could think that I thought that at the time. Until I later realized, he was talking about my unfocused looking at him while having sex. And the thing is, I had never faded in or sunk that deep into the body while having sex there. Because what seemed like, Sjef was constantly talking, projecting, or saying things about whatever, and about myself that I didn’t relate to at all.

Like if he thought I was thinking that way when being on top during sex, that is funny. Because that look on my face was about 10% of my actual capacity to fade in. I mean, that was a present, non strategic, receptive look, of just being during sexual exploration. I was entirely unfocused. I wasn’t even really looking at him. But he thought that I was. That’s something I really had to learn more about variable to understand. And somehow, the Fb group about my variable is, I think, how that group came about. The study of my variable.

Again, you’re pretending that a strategic mind is a sociopath.

So then, there are other things. Basically all the things and stories Sjef told were strategic in the sense, about getting together, being together, traveling to Maine, possibly moving to Maine, and I just remember sitting there and taking all of that in. I didn’t think much of anything that was said. But somehow, I didn’t actually think he would do any of it.

He said all kinds of stuff to me, the ‘bonnie and Clyde’ thing, the ‘hunnie, im home’ thing, stories about mates living in the Netherlands traveling to the states to be with a woman and getting married, asking about having a shed at home, which at the time – I didn’t realize, is because Sjef has shores. So to be able to be in a shed, probably in his own aura, while being at my home, for his environment, shores.

No because my house is a shed ! It is a work room, a garage, a machine shop. The shit you come up with ๐Ÿ™‚
And one mate does now live in US, not as an example of anything, or some kind of strategic/sociopathic scheme, just sharing. Talking, interacting, communicating.

I mean, none of that at all was apparent to me at the time of that visit.

Then another thing, i wasn’t active while being there. Even though everything was correct, and accepted correctly, i wasn’t active there. I was unable to bring my iPad because I had to leave that at home with Cody for Anya to play on. My MacBook I hadn’t used in months because I had my new computer and had put all of my stuff including MMI on that pink iMac, so I really just had the MacBook there for surfing stuff, if feeling like doing so. But, here’s another thing, during that time… I had taken months off from studying since PTL1 with Brian. So I wasn’t reading much then for good reason, correctness, and I had no video games to play on the MacBook. Only one video game on my iPhone, which is rather small to play games on, plus I had gotten long fingernails before visiting the Netherlands, so when actually attempting eventually to play a game there, i couldn’t because of the fingernails, and because usually playing on the iPad.

At one point Sjef had said something like, if you want to do something, you can just do whatever. i didn’t feel invited, asked, or shown anything there to do anything, and the apartment was so small, i had no auric space to be in my own aura to recharge, and no strategic ability to look for things to do. i just noticed lots of things i could probably clean, or change, but since i wasn’t asked or invited really to do them, i never moved to do them.

Funny thing, Sjef realized I think, that i wasn’t being active, which I realized after, much later – because he said something like “this is good” when playing video games. Here’s the thing, he never told me i wasn’t being active, and didn’t really invite me or ask me to do anything actively.

Cause I treated you like the grown emotionally adult woman you claim to be. I asked you plenty times, but the weather was cold and sometimes shite, and you seemed to only want to sit and smoke. And I did not really felt like doing much else either, cause I was going to be loved and fucked, and I could fuck you 20 ways and in the ass too, or so you said, again, and again, and again, before…

Plus, i was energetically flat. Which I also realize now, I think he realized, but I didn’t. Because he mentioned ‘you’re like a sloth’. Because i was laying around everywhere there. I didn’t think anything of that, I just knew my body had to lay down. I didn’t know why. And Sjef said something like, “Yeah on your blog you mention laying in bed all day.”


Yes, but I live in a 5 bedroom, two story house, alone, with two kids and a pet. I literally clean everything, take care of everything, have my own tv, computers, phone, and tons of space to be by myself. I get up, take care of my kids, clean, take care of myself, heat a house, take care of a pet, and then after doing a bunch of stuff, i just lay down in bed, and sometimes after doing really big activities live moving stuff around, or cleaning entire rooms, or running up and down sets of stairs to fill a wood stove, i sometimes lay in bed for a majority of a day to recharge before the kids come home, or lay in bed in the evening if feeling unwell, or on my period, etc.

Now, there’s more – all I did was listen to Sjef. Asked about his past, asked about his nickname, his friends, his life, his childhood, etc. And then, listened to all the stories of any kind that were said. And i noticed some things. Like for example, once Sjef was talking about some stuff, the one time really looking at his computer screen, was a quote about 4th lines on his blog, (which I had read on the plane) about leaving a partner for another partner. Later looking at that blog, Sjef had deleted that quote, like he didn’t want me to see that quote.

The only thing I can think of, is since the move of my blog to another hosting, is that if it was text in an image, something got messed up with the database, and still is.
Nothing was intentionally deleted. But hey, another suspicion ! Goody goody ๐Ÿ™‚
If it was not text in an image, but plain text in a post, it should still be there. And probably is. Was it this one maybe?
That post used to have 2 images, but that is where the database fuck up now does not know which those pics were, which does make the post easier to recognize, but searching for ‘fourth line’ or even just ‘lover’ shows it easily. But hey, you just got yet another motherfucking accusation of suspicion in, that is something alright, right? ๐Ÿ˜‰

Another thing, Sjef constantly talked about other women while being there. His ex’s, other women he talked to, past stories about cheating on his girlfriend, about having three or more women to kiss or have sex with at any given time, etc. Now, I wasn’t actively thinking about that, but somehow felt untrusting of the fact that he basically spent all his time on the computer. i was practically invited to sit there, get to know the other, and look at Sjef be on the computer the entire time while visiting.

You, were, lethargic ! And pretended to want to have conversations about this & that, and I don’t mind sharing, at all.
And btw, I did offer you the other smoke space, which had much more direct light, but you wanted the one that put us in aura the whole time.

I didn’t really know who he was talking to, or what he was doing, mostly, and I didn’t try to investigate, look at or figure that out. I actually ignored looking at his computer screen, entirely. And funny thing is, Sjef had mentioned before that none of those people online were important. So basically, i went there to visit and look at Sjef talk to people who he claimed weren’t important to him.

Then one morning, i got up early to be in aura alone, something like two hours out by the window in the sunlight – while the reflector laid in bed that morning, and Sjef came out beaming like the reflector had probably been sampling someone else.

[facetious]Damn, that must be it, the only possibility to me beaming, I must have sampled someone else. Damn, so obvious ![/facetious]
Yet also, if I sit at my desk and just be, it’s an issue, yet if I talk with you, its also an issue. Hope you don’t get bitter ! ๐Ÿ˜€

Another point Sjef made – I had sucked his dick a lot, and would have much more; which is one thing, but he never ate my pussy. Right. Which I never strategically thought about at all. And later I realized this – why was there sex at all, if he didn’t smell me, didn’t like the way i smelled, and didn’t taste my pussy. Realizing this later actually was a big thing for me to see. Kind of seemed like Sjef just wanted to have sex. Said he wanted to learn my breathing about when having orgasms, etc. but never actually asked anything about how to do so.

One of the reasons, after our initial dramatic accusational emails, after your return home, for breaking all contact was my realisation that all this talk about sex and everything, was just your mental story. I knew we had to get in aura, first, even if there can be lust through online interaction, but the proof is in the tasting, literally, besides whatever cognition you have. And even if you, in aura, seemed quite nice, your mind was not, and was not there, in the room.

I remember asking, how you like sex, how you like your dick sucked, would you like anything, do you want or need anything – and instead of answering those questions, those were kind of made fun of. Actually, at one point, Sjef was going on Instagram and posting things like making fun of ‘want’ etc. Almost pretending or claiming he didn’t want anything and that I was dumb for saying any of this stuff.

Impossible, cause on Instagram were only posted reposts made about 6 years before, numbered, in sequence by date, reposted one by one, daily, the roughly 900 or so that I ever made over the course of my time in HD. Often times, some of them did seem to align with events of the day, several times people mentioned, “did you mean me here, cause of this&that last week”, but no, they were made very long ago and just simply reposted one by one, sequentially as they were made back then, but back then were made with more time between them whenever I had an insight or trigger. But there were no similar transits, or dates, there simply was no correlation to actual events or present day. But a nice little negative comment from you about me once more, goody !
But you asking, about what you were clearly not really into, and being a passive body to be pumped, is just not my thing, it does not excite me to fuck a zoned out or avoidant person, sober or on drugs. I’m not into necromance either. So, that is where we just did not connect, in the stories about fucking and sucking, yes, very much so, but when in aura, you were simply absent and no question about how/what helps that. There is a click, or not, a spark, or not, or even fireworks, magical shit. And we, we did not even fucking fizzle.

i had actually given him all of my attention, my full focus, and this wasn’t good enough for Sjef. Because Sjef claimed he didn’t want anything. Which I think was an avoidant tactic. Because then, later on, there were almost like demands, or verbal thoughts about things that Sjef wanted sexually.

So another thing, at one point, Sjef was at the computer and asked to come over, and ‘get on your knees’. I actually had no idea why or what he was talking about at the time. Out of my mouth was something like, “huh? what? why?” or something of that effect. Because I am right, not Left. I don’t think in that way.

If the reflector was like, “baby, will you get on your knees and suck my cock at this computer” – I can almost guarantee this would have happened. I remember after asking what the fuck was being said, Sjef was like, “You know”… well, I didn’t know.

You mentioned, so many many times, how you would suck my dick from under the desk even, hiding under there while being online with someone, or get on your knees so very often, without needing to be asked, or invited ๐Ÿ˜‰ You would tease the fuck out of me, so you said. Haha, never happened.

Later on, like the day before leaving the Netherlands, Sjef mentions something about whips. And claims he had mentioned them before. Only I never heard that, and I realize later on that Sjef was entirely avoidant of actual present conversations, truth, and what he actually wanted. He tells all the stories about other women who had been with him sexually, talking about whipping another woman. At no point did he ask, want to use the whips, would you like to try this, etc. Actually, he waited the entire time, avoiding the conversations about sex that he claimed he didn’t want or care about talking about, and didn’t reply when being asked about them or say what he liked or wanted, until that time, and even then didn’t really say. He then began talking about slapping. Which here’s the thing, I have been abused my entire life by people, but especially men and was actually open to allowing that man to slap my face during sex, even though I had never tried that before. Though through trust and communication, i would be okay with any of this. So, I am slapped on time on the face and began giggling, because that wasn’t during sex – but just sitting in bed. And I remember the question asked was, “will you ask when you want to do this?” “No” he said, “Why would I do that” – and that was when I realized i probably couldn’t ever let him slap my face during sex. Then another thing, I love choking – during sex. At no point was my body really touched during sex.

This is a big thing I wanna talk about. My body was never warmed up, made comfortable, soft, warm or wet to have sex with that man. i wasn’t really rubbed, touched, licked, kissed on the body, romanced sexually, or made love to. And the fucking wasn’t good, because i was unable to grab on to anything during sex, to have full body or multiple orgasms. The orgasms weren’t hard, shaking, crying orgasms, they weren’t squirting orgasms. And the only touching i received were being fingered both pussy and asshole, but actually seemed as though he didn’t know how to finger, reach a g-spot, or fuck hard. i was being fingered, but lightly, with no real pressure, and nothing to hold on to, so if there were any orgasms, they were light, small, tiny, nothing really, hardly noticeable.

Even at one point when on top, I yelled out ‘Fuck!’ because that was the point that I noticed one thing, i wasn’t allowed to grab his body, or grip or hold anything, and I knew i would never have a real ear ringing orgasm that way. Which I even expressed. But almost seemed like that didn’t matter.

Because mostly what mattered was what Sjef said or wanted. At only one time was i asked “what can we do for you” – and I remember being so shocked, surprised about even that one question, and of course, I couldn’t strategically think about what I wanted! Haha!!! I was like, “Um, everything!”

So you -were- asked, and still complain about it, oh man… whatever ๐Ÿ™‚

And that was another thing, Sjef was allowed to say we and us. I was later mistreated so saying we and us to Sjef within text or email following that meeting. Actually, he shit all over me labelling me two. “Too! Too! Too!”

?? no clue what this is about

I remember when I had left there, I thought things had seemed so good. I really thought I got to know lots about Sjef, and was so nonjudgmental of any of that. And i really enjoyed being within the reflector aura. i had fully trusted to be in the Netherlands, without demands, without strategic planning or thought, and I was told so many wonderful things.

Really, yet all those things are here now and as you wrote earlier: “I just kind of kept taking small little notes” So which is it? (rhetorical)

Like wow, this could really be something, or go somewhere. I had never thought or imagined, or tried to make anything be anything. And I always respected the reflector for being a reflector, and respected Sjef’s stuff. Which he even mentioned while being there. How much space i had always given, for whatever, and how we were better for it, etc.

Conditional respect, clearly, in hindsight, cause oh boy, what a stinker of a blog post you made now. Such respect !
See, I knew you were trouble, the moment you said: โ€œare you interested in a romantic relationship with me?โ€
and then made it into a demand ๐Ÿ™‚
I knew full well of the potential shit storm and blog post, but it felt correct/right, so what to do? My responses here now are for setting a few things straight, at least for myself, I know full well you don’t grasp me or what I write in response to you, I write and post this for me, for my own emotional resolve. I have nothing to solve with you.

In reality, I think I had seen Sjef’s G conditioning, heavily. Something that was hard to look at. Which like I mentioned, was something i always saw with Sjef, and never mentioned, even when asked before.

You keep mentioning this G conditioning, but never elaborate what -you- mean by it, or of it.
But jesus, not even when asked? Heartless, cruel ! ๐Ÿ˜›

I can’t tell if he ever really liked me at all. Which is weird, because he kept saying things while being there, about being beautiful, about liking so much, etc. And the whole, “Do you like me?” That was really weird for my design. I remember never judging, but looking, and listening. I even attempted to answer at one point, and I realized he was asking me if I liked his personality.

Yeah I remmember you making a stink about you, your ego, your personality, and who you really are, not Kati, but -you-
whoever the fuck you even mean by that distinction. And who the fuck else -but- my ego/mind would ask about his ego/mind? DUH !

Funny thing, I, of course liked Sjef. But that wasn’t why I was there. My design brought me there. I made that clear before ever going there. He even was like, “So you only like me for my energy!?” And I remember my design saying, “I am offended by that” – HAHA.

Haha your design saying… *snortle*

My design likes the design of Sjef, my projector aura likes the reflector aura. For me, this had nothing to do with mind, or preferences.

I didn’t care that he was in his 50’s. I didn’t care that he lives across the world. I didn’t care about money. I didn’t care about any not self bullshit. I was listening to my heart. I was allowing myself to lead me where ever, without conditions, with full trust of myself, and true friendship and trust of Sjef, to meet his design, to be in aura together.

Yet your mind writes: “I see now that I’d probably never do that ever again” Only your mind sees anything at all and makes such ‘decisions’, please don’t say you believe your design does….

Truthfully though, i was put into a place where i really didn’t know how to go out into the world by myself. I didn’t know how to leave his apartment alone, i wasn’t invited out to get a hotel for myself, or for the reflector to visit, I was only once shown where the food was in the freezer, I didn’t know how to use anything in his kitchen, or asked to use his washing machine, or asked to cook food for him, even when attempting to discuss if there were anything i could do for you –

Yeah cause I (who?) did not need you to do so, you were the one pretended you would, could, should, would, without ever asking me, you initiated all that, invited yourself over to do so, and I just shrugged cause it seemed forced, and just out of whack and out of flow.
We actually did talk about staying elsewhere before, but AirBnB is illegal in my city as well as in in Amsterdam etc, so only hotels were an option, or couch surfing, it was not me who decided you would only stay here.
When I was in prison, I did not know how to get to the yard, to air, and the french speaking idiot with me in the cell dared not ask the guards, so I did, I knocked on the door when there was some noises outside and asked, with hands and feet, half english, half shitty french and I got out.
I told you where the keys were, and when we did get out, together, I showed you the exits also (there are many doors and hallways here is true) but you waved them off every single time, every thing I said, you waived away, wanting to -only be with me-, or together with me, doing stuff or not doing stuff, so of course I did not press any further about any of it. Cause then you’d write about that ๐Ÿ™‚

I remember another thing also, my design was so…. amazing. I was so calm and quiet, present, listening, being there, seeing, any brief thoughts I had about trying to attempt to initiate things from mind, like to go put lingerie on for him, my design was like, just wait.

And I never questioned it. I listened to everything the design said. And was mostly truly myself. The only thing there was smoking cigarettes. I smoked more cigarettes there in the Netherlands than I do at home. But I didn’t know why. And when leaving, I realize Sjef thought I had a huge nicotine habit, because the nicotine gum he got me was so strong. I couldn’t chew a single piece of that nicotine gum, the stuff made my body sick.

Yeah it’s gross

I think I was smoking, cause I didn’t know what to be doing. Which is another thing about being Left Left, which I realized after also. “If you go into a room, and you don’t know what to do, never go into that room again.”


I am designed to be active. Active fingers, active hands, active feet, active body, active on the computer, active playing video games, active.

But you did not bring anything to do so, nothing… and I had a laptop to share, a big fucking tv screen too, but no, smoking and staring was it…

And i basically couldn’t be active in that apartment. And I had no idea or clue, because I was lost in the other while being there. The only thing I looked at were my motivation and my view. What was I asked or invited to do, be or fix, seeing the wanting of the other, and having conversations about what was wanted.

The claim and replies were ‘nothing’ – which I was basically made fun of for.

as you’re doing with me now

I thought I was being treated so good, courted, and appreciated, being seen for my value, but wasn’t.

My design was never actually asked about what was important, there were no conversations about the present, there were no conversations about the experience there together in the now. I was always just listening to Sjef talk about the past, and other people, and things about the future.

And at no point was I invited to be in a relationship with Sjef. But all that other stuff was being said to me, and to my design.

No you did, yourself, that faithful email oh so long ago
โ€œare you interested in a romantic relationship with me?โ€
teachers pet, as you write time and time again on your blog about all your teachers present, and then sable them the fuck down after ๐Ÿ˜‰

Every time Sjef would go out, he would text my phone, and my design was just so thrilled to finally have a few moments alone. He even projected on to me that i was full of shit, and not taking shits there. I knew that’s what he was saying, one of the few things, because i rarely had times to just be in the bathroom alone, but actually took a giant shit there everyday, either when alone, or while Sjef was sleeping, and even a few during the day, and was kind of like i was being observed like a lab rat.

It is a running gag, or catch phrase to say ‘one is full of shit, one needs to poop’, but I was talking about your ego/mind.

Instead of being listened to, instead of being asked, instead of being invited, instead of being seen and loved, and treated so well.

I tried and tried, by communicating, but you waived it all away, which is fine, but to now say, it is because of me, and me only, is just ridiculous, when you said so yourself to be lethargic, to be this to be that, and not this, not that. Can’t have it both ways.

And by no means do I actually think that was intentional, really. I think these were misunderstandings, or things that weren’t aware of really while being in aura together. But perhaps some, because Sjef is strategic. I remember him continuously trying to make me focus, and picking at me for not being strategic, or focusing – on the tv, on him when being many feet away from me, when planning to go to the airport, all kinds of things. I don’t think that way, and I am practically incapable of allowing people to make me think that way.

It is perfectly normal, when both going to an airport, together, to share about the logistics of doing so, together. Picking you up was with my scooter, taking you back was with a borrowed car, all takes some planning, and to share that, communicate about that, is not forcing you to be or do anything. And when you did not know, or not yet, I decided some of it that pertained me, not pick on you for it.

So maybe some of the stuff was planned on Sjef’s part, probably quite a bit actually, concerning the 4th line thing, with all the things he said, projected on me, all the stories he told, etc. I don’t know for sure, I can only look at that stuff now.

No you can’t look at that, at all, it is all a guestimation whether I did or did not, you can never find out, nor can anyone ever find out about you. One can only pretend to know or having found out, it is just not possible.

And another funny thing, I remember the reflector bringing myself out the day before going back to Maine, for a walk. I hadn’t brought razors for shaving, and only a little bit of soap, shampoo, etc, and those things I wanted to buy at stores, but never did. And when being out at a store, I remember looking at razors and saying out loud, “maybe not now”.

And what is the funny part?

And of course the whole, “What do you want?”

Sjef had kept hinting towards all these things about me, about myself – but Sjef doesn’t actually know what he wants. And I think that is because Sjef has a guard up, about connecting deeply, romantically, on a love level, on a commitment level, plus all the G Center stuff and conditioning, etc – you know, much more.

He practically talked himself out of everything he had done and said after I had gone back home, almost immediately when being at the airport.

What is this about? I talked myself out of everything I had done and said -after- you had gone home, almost immediately when being on the airport. Does not compute what this means.

And I knew it, I could see it, and instead of overly trying to protect myself, i allowed the reflector the time and space as always, and whatever Sjef had to go through for processing, mentally, etc.

Another thing I noticed, Sjef constantly avoided real conversations, and would read my blog instead, to gain information about me, what I thought or felt, and then made choices and decisions from that.

You are super duper proud of NEVER talking to anyone EVER as stated so many times in emails and on your blog. I have countless conversations weekly with many people, many different people, all the fucking time, but you never did, or where not ‘available’ or whateverthefuck you used as reasons, I some times, maybe twice in aaalll that time got you to go to your car to have skype video chats, you never ever did, I did. See, now you are the fucking liar ๐Ÿ˜‰

Things that I mutatitvely, melancholicly have to express, get out for my own processing, for life experience and for seeing anything about patterns or life. Things that are never truly personal, but for myself – because I don’t go around telling everyone all of my stuff. i am an open throat, pure individual ego projector.

At the time when visiting in the Netherlands, i mentioned something like, “do you always do this for women?” “no”, the reflector said, “it’s the projector aura”. I never expected to be waited on, or taken care of, and in a sense i was – but in ways that all men do for myself. Bringing me food, rubbing my feet, playing guitar, etc.

So now that is a problem too? First I don’t do enough and now too much,. oh boy ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ˜€

But though these things are wonderful, or lovely – the things which truly matter and which are important to my true self, are mostly just deep communication and being present with the other, about present current time, or anything which could be discussed on a personal, deep level, listening to and being listened to, as i am purely acoustic, and individual.

I could be totally poor without money, and the one thing i would care about in relationship is listening and being listened to, being asked and invited.

These are the things which are important to my design, and what is truly important to -me-.

The very last thing, I was judged for saying I love you, like I was stupid, codependent, or not self for saying anything about love, instead of appreciated or respected.

No because you do not, or ever did love me, you loved the idea of me. You loved your ego’s big penis you got from thinking about you and me. Not from actually being with me, and your blog shows this, this particular blog, but if you read what you wrote about me before, which was al of praise, and only praise, deep pink glasses praises. And all I ever said was who I am, how I am, and I did exactly that when you were here. Sit at my desk, like I do countless of years, as I mention loudly to anyone.

My entire design is filled with love gates. And I have many gate 10’s. And I am fully aware of the 20th gate, and what the connection between the 10 and 20th gate, what that is. And the correct and healthy connection between the 10th and 20th gate is actually about love.

I love you because you wake me up. I love you because with you I can see. I love you because with you, I can love myself, and love the other, and it’s never codependent.

And this is my truth.

No, it is the illusion of truth, it is ego/mind pretending there even is such a thing, and you made up that it looks like this. It is a belief, a religion.

The feeling of being safe with the reflector was based on the trust I had with myself, trusting my design, and having a trusting friendship/companionship with Sjef, but never about needing him for anything.

And because I’m not a strategic sociopath, bitch. It is because you fucking -were- safe.

I didn’t need him to take care of me, I didn’t need anything from him, but I very much enjoyed his company and would have liked to connect much more deeply, with presence, and I see now how much this is the most important thing for myself within relationship.

And because I have a split definition, what is most important about correctness when being with the other, is i have to be invited, asked, accepted and welcomed to share was is needed by me. And this is what happens in relationships with splits.

Which when Sjef and I are together, our new quantum is a Split Definition Splenic Projector. Relating on this level, with any other, and seeing these things are important.

And above all, what is absolutely necessary and needed for myself is i require space to be within my own aura, to feel myself, to be myself, to see life clearly, to be able to give to the other, to be able to be correct in my environment, to be able to live as a projector to get to know the other and see the other, and also, to be able to study the other in the way in which I never get lost in any of that.

Good that you see this, only now. Even if it has been true your whole life, all the years you are alive, including in previous relationships, or living with whomever like family or others. Always been true.
Except for the not getting lost part. That, is unavoidable. And I was willing to do so, for a week, just get lost in togetherness. And we did, get lost in it.
Not a problem.

This is love. This is true love, for me, for myself. I am never peoples projections. I am me, and I am beautiful. I am worthy of so much more. And I should be deeply respected for this capability of seeing.

All a projection though… ๐Ÿ˜›

The relating could have been so much better, the sex, the conversations, everything. And from now on, forward, i need this in relationships.

You get what you get, no manipulation, the program always wins

When being there, Sjef kept trying to feed me, and mentioned saying, “I just want to make sure you have enough food.”

My design was taking in the conditioning, the reflector aura, and was hungry for connection when being there, and orgasms, even if just with myself. But conversation, and love making sex. Which reminds me of, a quote – from Alok. If we can have a great conversation, maybe we can have lunch together, and then maybe we can have sex, but the conversation is everything.

Which you complain about ! You were zoned out and I was not.

This is 9 centered living and relating. Uranian connection.

Some other stuff also, about after coming home. And giving Sjef ample space and timing for processing, Sjef flip flopped a bunch. I like this, I don’t like this. This is for me, this isn’t for me. The this is correct – and there were conversations, finally, after like two weeks of just living life, waiting for knowing the correctness about PTL1 with Lynette, and just letting the reflector do its thing. Then there was a conversation where Sjef was asked for a picture “of u”, then a picture from the side, to the front view, etc. And you know prior, when flip flopping, was a mentioning of “I like this sex talk, and I like the idea of seeing all of you naked, etc” and the reply to that was, “No lol” – so when asked for a pic later on, after the reflector saying this picture is for a passport (for America, to visit Maine), i was in the bathtub, biking.

This eludes me, I ask you for a pic of you, but say the pic is for my passport? It does not make sense (wookie defense)
Yet also :”Defined Ego/Heart Unhealthy State: Pumped up ego with expectations that everyone around them will be like them. Puts pressure on others to prove them-selves and keep promises. Being too forceful.
And: “Undefined Ego/Heart Natural/Healthy State: Content with their worth. Able to work with people without making promises. Becomes involved in their work correctly through Strategy & Authority.
P.S. no one let’s anyone or anything else, we don’t have the fucking power. Saying it like this is just big ego penis, “I’m letting them do or not do”, the snobbery ! You mean, you pretend to not be on their case, while boasting about you not being on their case, and then blog about how you let them and how maaaarvelous you are !! ๐Ÿ˜€ Fuck off.

And instead of having a picture of the body down, naked, I sent a picture of only my head, which I knew that- and I knew then, instead of that being taken as playing, that was taken differently.

Which another thing, I was told I was threatening when being in the Netherlands, for asking about cum swapping, which I was only playing about. Sheer playfulness. I have never cum swapped with anyone ever. But playfully asking, and actually, if the reply was yes, that probably would have happened. The thing is, i was never asked about anything, about being spit into my mouth, about being asked about anything sexually, of how to orgasm, of what I liked, about what felt good – I was just told, “you like this”.

Like you said so incredibly often, that you were only playing, but the whole fucking time, there was no normal conversation, cause you were constantly playing (taking the piss)
And fuck no, cum swapping is not for me, I dont even want to consider it, thank you.

I realize now how strange and odd all of that was. And that confused me for months, because after that conversation of sending pictures, and being told about getting a passport again, Sjef deleted me from Skype, and basically told me something – I don’t really know.

What century are we even speaking of now?

I remember I said, “okay daddy baby” and i went to lay in bed, to relax – because all of that shit was.. an emotional wave of junk that i couldn’t sift through. i had literally went to lay in bed, alone to hermit, to clear out, to go back online later to discuss and be there for the other, once again.

Hehe, be there, for me ๐Ÿ™‚ cute

And what i returned to was a bunch of shit, once again…. of not being seen, or appreciated, valued, respected, listened to, unable to play with the other in any kind of way, and basically treated like i was untrustworthy and undervalued even to the point of no longer being a friend or in Sjef’s network.

Sjef later emailed, and the emailed again for an invitation to his new forum. i didn’t feel seen by that, and I couldn’t make myself feel seen, and I couldn’t make any conversation be had, and I couldn’t make myself be valued by that person.

And I realized none of that stuff had anything to do with me. But probably, or seemingly seemed like, all of that stuff is what Sjef tells to all kinds of women. Repetitively. Seeking out romantic relationships from mind, that never work out, and always trying to make things happen out of that open G center.

Undefined, not open ๐Ÿ˜‰

I mean the hardest part to look at was that was probably Sjef’s G center conditioning talking, and that i was never actually seen.

As I regularly say: oh I -do- see you, just not for what you think to be seen for.

So, i was left to process everything alone, couldn’t really tell anyone, couldn’t really share anything with anyone, and above all, that was my living your design guide a long time ago, who invited me to human design.

The thing about the reflectors breathing, that’s another thing, i didn’t just notice during sex, but the entire time when in the Netherlands. Sjef couldn’t breathe, during sex, during lots of things, just sitting together, but especially at night when having sleep. Which is funny, because when first meeting, i was asked, “are you breathing okay?”

Yes, and because of us meeting, I went to see a doctor, had a few tests and now have used Flixonase to clear my sinuses, which were severely clogged from my allergies I only discovered having after I quit smoking, and turned out I had a near mortal form of sleep apneu and am using a CPAP machine every night.

For myself, was never about breathing, but about blood pressure. Which fluctuates because of heart definition, being around people, etc. Which either goes higher or lower, or is specifically balanced when given the time to be with myself in aura.

So anyway, later on when being invited to that forum, and being asked for money, my design felt no recognition or of being seen then, and didn’t even look at that forum.

You were not asked for money, but gotten as an LYD participant, a years worth of free discount for using this forum. After one whole year, yes, it is a paid for forum.

Which is interesting that Sjef would ever think – that my design would ever join such a thing. As the only reason before would have been to empower the reflector and Sjef for creating such a forum, and empowering as a friend or relationship.

That is actually very nice to hear, yet not, cause its the first time I think, you are honest about it. And that, would piss me off, to know one would only do it for that, for the other, for ‘pleasing them’.
The forum is meant for people to have a place without the newbies, without the freeloaders with all their demands and their mixing of modalities. And that, is simply not free.

Funny thing though, i am still being observed and the blog is still being read. Which is another thing, i was lied to. And after seeing that i was lied to about the blog being read, who knows what else i had been lied to about.

I said then and will repeat, for more than a month, during which time we spoke about it in the emails, I really have not, could not even, go to your blog, cause al links/bookmarks were deleted. Maybe someone else from the Netherlands -also- reads your blog, not my business, not my story, not my monkeys, but I have not lied. Not only cause I was fucking happy to have deleted my access to it, glad to not read all the horseshit you sometimes post.
And you thinking I lied, makes you the asshole. Just because your (sh)itty little brain/mind can not explain differently does not make it so, bitch. And this way of using logic, you do the whole time, and pretend the other is at fault for it.
But, I can only ever be me, you are using someone’s conditioning against them, or at least that which you pretend/interpret as it being their conditioning cause even that is debatable, but then act as if one is not allowed to have it. And won’t even talk to them about it when asked, you said yourself in this blog. But then write all shitty about it in the same blog. You may not be strategic but damn; your are a cunt.

So i was projected upon that i was unsafe, when in reality, i was never unsafe. i was actually the safe one, the non-strategic one, and the fully present one.

Wait, you …whaaaa O no dear god, you are very fucking unsafe, look at this blog !!! Look at -all- your other blog posts about all other people. Very, very unsafe missy.

It has taken months to work this out, processing wise, through seeing all of these things, which I realize now the true effect of the other that is had upon myself within aura.

I truly love myself.

And I am so proud… to see, that when I had finally come home, I had the truest experience at the airport, of how much love was had with design. How much I truly trusted design, how I was literally married to my design, and how I no longer seeked partnership in the ways I did as a third line so long ago.

I learned so much about myself, about the other, about relationships, friendships, partnerships, but most of all – what i really need, and am worth –

Or so you (pretend to) believe ๐Ÿ˜‰
“Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top”

What you are doing is a psycho analysis of someone, everyone. And using HD as a weapon for good for yourself, but in the negative for someone else. But it is still only a psycho analysis, and a bad one, cause you are not a psycho analyst. All your trainings and all your degrees and certificates, you are not. And you don’t know when enough is enough, and think that because you think to see something, it is therefor this or that, using your mind to discern, while talking out of your neck (talk out of your asshole for americans). Your logic is often shotty and your conclusions are half, there is often no follow through and just some vague suggestion first and then an assumption after, which you put on your publicly available blog, not just about me, but about everyone. People are messy, all of us are conditioned, some of us pretend it ain’t so, or they’ve outgrown it, have deconditioned. But that is simply impossible, cause we are not, robots. We will always see-saw between this&that, it is inherent to living in the Maia, to being in duality. And I don’t fucking care that I am, and will own up to it, and talk about yours with you, too, at you, interacting with you. And sometimes will write a reply blog, when someone is just pissing all over me. Cause you’re just another moralist control junkie, is this why you failed PTL1?

Fri, 12 Feb 2021
ok new question,
are you interested in a romantic relationship with me?

Im helplessly far beyond ‘interested’ ?
logistics is quite another matter

well i want it
do you?
thats all thats required ?

So that turned out to be a big fat lie, ‘all thats requiered’ Look at all this shit above, what turned out to be requiered~!?