after diving quite deep and feeling intense shadows and other past or present muddy waters, and the effects this process had and has on me, now doing the deep dive for the second time actually helps me feel more shallow in its process (!)
Not arrogance though, but because the 1st DD process helped change me and my life in such a way, through but also beyond so many shadows, as if letting go of a huge enormous backpack, that I now felt so strong and agile, that I take on so much (GeneKeys DeepDive, GeneKeys Hosting, Human Design RaveABC, Permaculture), that I skip the depth of all of them, usually/mostly. And those are just the things I do for fun (!) And then all the books I (make myself) read, related to any and all of those. Pffff… Read more
ever so slowly I feel more and more disconnected from the genekeys, deepdive and hosting.
And I have let it happen, because I now know where I am triggered and have taken no action.
It is the not receiving of genekeys/hosting updates in the mail.
Which is funny in a way, because in the earliest beginning of me entering the GeneKeys I was sometimes amazed at the frequency and length of emails, and now I miss out on them and trully miss them. Read more
I feel alone, but am I lonely?
These last few days have given me a new sense, or feeling, of not wanting to be lonely anymore. Of not doing it all alone anymore, and this is not some vague little nudge, no this is a like a great big swell coming up in me. Of having enough of -not- sharing. My life, your life, all life. (now a few days later I feel much more calm actually, but the swell has stayed)
I used to be a great big socializer, other boys hated me in high school because I was talking to all the girls, because I -was- sharing whatever I felt like, and listening to theirs too. And not heavy stuff, no just everyday life sharing. And this continued after school, in bars, in the house-squat-scene, right up until I landed myself in prison, because amongst many things sharing itself didn’t cut it, and I didn’t find what I was looking for. And since I didn’t know what I was looking for I couldn’t ask, and no-one around either saw or said anything. So I reacted in a very self-destructing way. Read more
Hm, I’ve been wanting to write a blog about (my) silence for a little while, and just see Richard also perceives the quietness in the field, and also somewhat in response to Rosy’s multiple writings.
For me, it seems that more and more, there is nothing (left) to say. And just enjoy being, and honoring whatever is or is not going on. Without (a need for) a response. And being so joyfully introspective, that it is difficult to share where I’m at right now, because I don’t even have a clue myself, and even that is wonderously fine too ! 🙂
(pff I start to feel I’m talking like Tanmayo…)
Where before I really felt -urges- to speak, now I find I thrive much much better in shutting up, and taking loooong pauses before responding. Read more
The day of Christmas eve I get a call from the mother of the son of a former client of mine (you know, his ex-wife) whom I helped move house to an Asian country to get away from drugs and alcohol last year, if I would be willing and able to talk to her that evening at her house (and because of the huge snow/ice on the road if I would come to her instead of she to me) and talk about what to do with her son’s coming out of the closet when coming back from his dad on holiday in that Asian country. So I put my Suzuki Samurai in 4×4 mode and ice-skate over there, and we talk about going to the country’s national homo/lesbian organization together, so he can maybe meet up with same age groups for support and hopefully fun (he is kinda young) Afterwards she gives me a token of appreciation. Read more
I suddenly get a rush of awareness, that in the invitiation of diving into our shadows, I’m actually reliving them over again. Where I was way up higher before entering the deep dive. It almost feel like a reversed effect on me.
Where I also have to acknowladge that there has been many subtle changes in behaviour, attitude, conceptualizing, feeling even. Some are much more profound, but can not yet put them to sentences.
But also, feeling drawn into deeps where I do not want to go again, although not sure if I should or should not. Who is to say what will come out of it, I don’t know, but it is as if you throw me in some field, any field, and I will eventually acquire and live aspects of that field, whether they are deep divers of genekeys, or major league baseballers.
So there is some feeling of over redundancy in it, but I’ll sit with it for a bit. And if this sense pervails I’ll switch gears and only focus on gifts for a bit from now on, and skip the shadows, because it really starts to feel uncomfortable in the no-sense department. Read more
or a father figure, a mentor, guide, coach. And have tried to substitute through many people in my life. Wether my fathers brothers or neighbours, friends, teachers, colleagues, any and all really. Even though he has brought me up till age 10, and I owe my mum for it till age 20, I have a real sensation that it is him or my image of him that I miss the most. And not only through reading the 18th GeneKey. There are some things lacking in my education, and I don’t mean plain knowledge, but a feeling, a reprimande or a nudge of accord. Borrowing money, and it being ok that you do not pay it back, after a good many discussion of the why and how.
And sure I’ve become very wise on the streets, and through absorbing the energy and know-how of surrogates, wheter boyfriends of my mum, or people crossing my life’s paths. But it is not the same, the deep intensity of it is missing. The feeling of the nest, of home.
And in this fase in my life, I stare it right in the face, finally maybe, and try to resolve and deal with it. Read more
5 whole weeks have passed since I’ve finally taken myself up on actually making work of stopping to smoke.
It has been in the making for several years now, in that sense I’m not stupid, I know I shouldn’t. But the thing that prevented me from doing it, was lack of joy in quitting. I mean, need for/to, and logic alone is not good enough. For me. And I quite enjoy smoking, actually, and still do.
I enjoy it because I’m rewarding myself in that sense, every so often, I give myself a cigarette, it is a cheap, small and easy gift, poisonous none the less, but still. You can give yourself lots of them daily, relatively cheap, even now when governments have enormously increased the prices. Read more
There is some mention of black marketeers (more and more actually), which unfortunately is -not- open for discussion.
I have several feelings about that, where some have manifested as thoughts which I will share here.
To me, a black marketeer is someone who does not give what you are supposed to get. So someone who skips a few steps and presents it as being the real deal. Since I cannot point fingers at individuals on this forum, I’ll just quote this: Read more
I feel and realise now, that I wanted human design, then integral human design, and now the deep dive to be a permanent change in my life.
From conditioned, mundaine, sheeplike, shadow patterned and patented monotony and stupidity, left-brain dictations to a freed life, of eternal bliss, profound love, monetairy indifference, fullfilling dreams and wishes, and loads of joy.
But I also realise now that it is all wishfull -thinking-
And yes, my body does feel different, I feel my body differently. My mind operates the same but is not so much in control anymore as it has taken a more observing stance. Read more
Today started with smoking only at the whole hour (handy wristwatch can tell me with a beep) instead of whenever. Trying to break through the habbit itself besides the addiction.
Noticed sometimes I smoke more per hour and sometimes none for several hours.
Tomorrow will see what options my health care assurance provides/accepts as viable treatments. Been reading meanwhile and soft-laser acupuncture interested me.
And as for doing something else instead of smoking while kicking it, I’ve bought a superb Kettler multi-gym fitness machine almost a year ago, still in the box in the hallway, awaiting me 😉
A few years back I made a deal with myself that every day I would at least do 1 thing of all the ideas I have/had. And it could be something small or simple like shopping for groceries, or do the dishes, but it could also mean taking a motorcycle engine apart. 1 thing, every single day.
In that way I could really acomplish stuff which would otherwise never get done, because I am quite lazy when it comes down to it, at least physically. Mentally I’m almost all the time quite strong and powerfull, always churning, thinking, contemplating, looking at all possible and impossible sides of things, and really elaborate in my mind.
(I’ve written on the humandesignglobal.ning forum blog that I feel that my mind is my most favourite body part. Ok, it has gotten me into trouble at times but it also helped me a lot/more to get out of them, again and again) Read more
today I didn’t wake up as the artful transmuter, ever since finishing the 3rd webinar I feel shite, or confused, no, angry even.
If we do not exist, if we are not here, then what are we doing (here), why bother (with) this whole process. Why not end it all here and now. I’m no avid believer of suicide, but what the fuck is the point of augmenting the frequency of my dna, if even that does not exist, actually, in reality (?)
Sure, don’t identify with being whatever (a doctor, a reflector, a woman) on this plane, but then it nullifies the genekeys and this quantum field instantaneous too. I had that thought earlier when discussing HDS (Human Design System) and IHD (Integral Human Design), if there is no framework, there is no us even, then what is this transmission we’re supposed to contemplate and embody? Read more
Why is there a need for a separate group of evolve/gathering? Is there a need to hide out from the rest, or a need to differentiate? What does this gathering have to do with GeneKeys as such anyways? I don’t recall it being part of the dozen or so approaches and tools that now make up these GeneKeys. What is the added value for you and/or for me?
I thought we were in this together, all jumping into the water, and supporting each other, whether I know you from before or not, but now it feels like some of you want to create a group inside a group, and swim off from the rest. Read more
As I was contemplating my last noticeable physical/mental addiction smoking, it sort of dawned on me that it has probably something to do with my open root center/gates. This stress and nervousness that I do not face but try to evade. And in doing so with this specific drug, I probably increase it, because of the physical effects of smoking. Thinner blood, colder body, eating less, no sports, unhealthy diet.
I have to say, the advantages are there too, breaking up the day in different experiences, and coming back in renewed (not through smoking but through getting out of a situation for a bit) And smoking is good relieve/release for anything in the end, if it rains: have a smoke, sun is out: have a smoke, you love someone dearly: have a smoke, you lover left: have a smoke (not trying to promote it though)
But I see the hold on me it has. And in one way I’m absolutely fine with it, otherwise I would have stopped aeons ago. On the other hand, on the brink of these changes I’m facing right now I realize it is holding me back. But I feel I cannot stop smoking for stopping of smoking itself. I need to tackle -why- I smoke, and how and when. Read more
Since Ibiza April 2009 I have been on quite a journey, through (online) information, meeting and greeting people, and classes/lectures/events.
First I dived into Integral Human Design through the webinar at GeneKeys by Richard Rudd and Werner Pitzal, which gave me a sense of other/more possibilities using the bodygraph. In short: applying Integral Approach and Spiral Dynamics combined with your bodygraph and thus locking in to higher and higher states of being.
Then off to Amsterdam for a Living Your Design weekend with Guido Wernink, Stien Michiels and others for more basic knowledge and practical lessons about what it really means to actually live your design (hence the name ;-), what possibilities there are and what contrasts we will meet, in ourselves and others. Giving me a greater foundation to work from. Read more
I’m a little early on-site, so I want to get something to eat, and end up in a noisy beach bar eating something like a triple sandwich and drinking a Fanta thinking about how good or bad this would be for my PHS (‘taste’ is all I know for now) I definitely do not like the noise coming from the speakers, even besides the music genre, so head back over to the event quickly. Read more
– Ibiza 2009, Thursday 9, almost out of here but still have 2 events coming up.
First one, my signpost session with Dharmen. I looked at some of the transits before making the appointment, and at this session the moon is in gate 57, opposing my gate 20 and so ‘penetrating awareness’ which I thought was rather sneaky of me, even though I do not feel all those transits, or am aware of them. Just something to play with, in the mind. Read more
I started noticing something, here on the (red: humandesignglobal) forum, but also elsewhere, what I’d like to get off my chest and hopefully people will respond to it.
It is about negativity, -and- people not wanting it. Read more
– So another day in paradise Ibiza 2009, no lectures for me on Tuesday, and found out some projectors took -all- lectures, which amazes me.
I know projectors get a discount because they ‘should’ know it all (what about reflectors then…?), and have more difficulty knowing it all (especially if they’re not interested :), but -all- 4 lectures per day for 9 days straight? How can you ever start to grasp that then…? Read more
Yesterday I also went up the hill to this nice church, but guess what, on a Sunday, they have services in this catholic country, so it was pretty crowed up there. It was a nice walk for this waking mental body, up the stairs on one side and down the other. What a nice view up there, and nice and warm without shade, a great time for some reflection. Read more
– So here I am (hmm favorite intro line?), in Ibiza for the 2009 event.
It’s Sunday the 5th, I’m a little early to meet up with different people inside and outside of the Hotel and at 5PM I go to the BG5 lecture. Since I’m not only interested in what makes people tick, but also in the relations between people in different circumstances (work, love, etc), I did not want to miss this one. Read more
-So here I am, 3 days early before the 2009 Ibiza event (flight was much cheaper), raining outside, in an apartment with 26 Spanish TV channels, no internet, and forgotten how to speak the language (mainly because my French improved so much since I was last in Spain, ehrm 17 years ago?), alone/lonely, damn… w t f did I do… Well since I’m here better make the best of it, so dragged myself outside for groceries, site seeing, internet cafe, etcetera Read more
-So, here I am, after days of browsing, looking/listening, finally registered (red: on the humandesignglobal ning forum) and found many more people here than anticipated. So now even more access to all these peoples journeys, very good. Great initiative and very wanted/needed (oeps there goes my transference), tnx to Eden and I believe Alissa. Read more
There is no us (or them), there is no tribal feeling, there is no welcoming you to Ibiza (very very very few exceptions) they’re mostly egotistical, ego central fuck heads, (and some mind-fuckers to boot) but it’s not their fault, it is in the teaching, be yourself, be this be that as long as it is yourself, live your type and strategy, if that is a giant douche bag fuck-up well, live it ! Enjoy your movie !
There is hardly any help for a newbie, everybody is in/on his/her own power trip, encouraged !
Yes there are genuine friendly people, yes nobody has to help another or not that very instant. But it seems the help/service that is offered is only to accommodate more revenue, only material gadgetry so more people can join in to listen to the same story over and over again.
Sitting there, watching, observing, sensing, all I could think of was, this ‘group’ needs a beach party, a social gathering, something to take their mind (!) of from themselves that navel staring inner voyage, and some of them definitely need to get laid…. Don’t change one vision/conditioning for only one other, don’t live out a self fulfilling prophecy
Yes there is great truth in your body, yes it has been neglected, you should look at it and listen to it, but don’t let it take over your life, you do have control, you don’t -have- to become (just/only) an asshole since that too is just a tiny part of you, as all of these gates, channels, centers, etc are (only) facets of your crystal(s) which has so many faces it is incomprehensible. And even those are not locked, and always and forever valid, you do have a choice not to be an egotistical moron.
And you’re a gullible stupid bunch too (but hey I don’t blame you if you can’t/may not use your mind for inner authority) too pay someone to tell you over and over again to live your strategy and authority, whatever the subject is (!). And yes there is a lot of truth in that (as far as this newbie can tell), but how many times do you have someone have to tell you that? And for how much money again, and again, and again?
How many do actually love themselves, even if they are not whole/complete, this or that, not finished on your journey (you never will be, hopefully), have not followed this course or that lecture. How many do love their shortcomings, their pitfalls, their stupidities, and the fact that you are in fact only human…and maybe are not all that capable to live this strategy and authority of yours, let alone be an analyst…
So how many can greet the other with open arms/mind, with-out an agenda (your agenda).
So is my rambling on about being nice? No, but you -can- be, you don’t have to -not be- nice. It’s just stupid.
And don’t forget to stop and -think- every now and then.
