4/6 Reflector PLL-DLR

All posts by: Sjef

Music was not my first love

For a few days now, I felt a desire to sit and meditate with some intense loud music.

Now, most music played on a proper volume has an effect on me, this is why I tend to be in silence and alone most if not all of the time, which I learned to enjoy more and more as I moved out and away from playing and listening to music all day every day since the age of 16 till 24. It was during my break in France where I found the silent inner space within, and since then I learned that music also can have an adverse affect on me.
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Initiate me

What does it mean to initiate a Reflector?
(not complete, and only about me)

I can tell you that it does not mean to ask a question, wait for a moon/month and expect a result at the other end. Besides seeming like asking an Emotionally Open Sacral being but just waiting longer for the reply.

It also does not mean to daily or every gate change of the Moon bombard the Reflector with your presence or conversation about the subject either, because then it would become conditioning. And you do not want the Reflector to feel conditioned or pressured by your question for an answer, cause that kind of no that you would instigate is one that would crumble houses, and you might lose the Reflectors interest forever.

It is however somehow a mix-match of several things. To indeed ask, and also to inform about the question or the situation, also to check in with the Reflector, to see if more info is needed, or just some sharing about the process, about the question. Without seeking the end result or goal then and there.

Can the Reflector find out if it is comfortable to do this you ask? Is it correct for them to do this thing? Please remember, you asked, so most likely the Reflector has no interest at all in that which you ask. At least this is my experience of most questions I get. They are your questions and usualy about you, not mine, or not about me. So if you seek any response, even a negative one, you better come up with something yummy for me to want to answer in the first place. Stimulate me, massage me. Not my body, my mind (!)

But be carefull not to condition me into answering, keep me interested in your quest, but not so that it feels in any way overwhelming or a nuissance. Don’t push or pull. Find the balance, the finer thread of my sometimes delicate being.

Initiate

me

In my case, an important thing I ask myself on autimatic pilot is: “is it safe?” Is it safe for me to involve myself with your quest(ion) or with the outcome of that question. It might be just a question about the design of your kitchen, or to go with you on a mountain hicking trip. But usually I have so little information or insight to discern this, that the answer will be an immediate ‘no’.

And sometimes the person asking does not trigger me to dive into the question itself at all even, so then I would say ‘no, don’t ask’

And sometimes I realize that the question is not mine to answer at all, but theirs. Which could trigger some grumpyness on my side, or some compassion for their question and situation.

Another thing I ask myself as I ponder your question is: ‘why would I want to do that?’ Now when you ask a question to me, for me, and maybe/perhaps about me, then I seem eager to answer at the flick of a switch. Or when the situation requiers, I indeed note the moons position in the Rave Mandala wheel, and note the next time it will be in that spot again in about 27.5 days, and go into the process of finding out what my true honest answer really is. And occasionaly or regularly during this Lunar month, I come back to the question before me, and review my stance on it there and then, and if or what might have changed since and why. And I might even feel where the process is taking me, to already see the thread of contemplations before me as they work their magic through me. Sometimes I even feel like sitting inside in the energy of that quest(ion) and feeling the flow of where it might all lead to, and if this triggers an inner smile and sense of warmth and comfort, you can bet the answer will become positive sooner or later, and you will see me fal into acceptance of the quest that lay before me a moon ago.

And sometimes, I fall into acceptance of not feeling any urge to do this or that, which can be just as joyous as the yes. To be able to walk away, relieved.

Don’t just ask me, or invite me, or inform me, but initiate me, make an effort to open up the journey for me or with me, and try to realise that none of it is mine.

Addendum: You know that thing you asked me/we talked about 2-3 years ago? I can feel me being in acceptance of being able to do that, now.

Addendum: https://www.mcha.nl/2018/07/11/moonblog-12-3-2/

One Lunar Cycle

Make your own (right mouse click: save link as):

MoonBlog 26.2

A while ago, Nisarg mentioned I could have a look in Pune for doing Work as Meditation, as we spoke on and off about my life and work/money, but having been negative to anything guru or religion, it took me a while to even get used to the idea, but having read their website, they did seem to know what they were doing. So I became curious to this new way of looking at work which they claim/advertise

I knew no-one at the resort and application/reservation went all through email, which as it turned out, were other WAM people, new or old-timers, and having never been to India either, was quite the experience.

And I hated India, the stench, the pollution, the differences in wealth living side by side, death and misery next to luxurious mansions. Hate it !
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MoonBlog 23.4

Sometimes it feels like an € 1140,- prison, and feel I need to move, ‘faire bouger’.

It even sounds a little ungrateful, having all this. But it seems not enough. Or even too much, at times.

It just does not feel *just right* and wondering if anything ever will. Hmpf Noticing a great calm, eye of the storm perhaps even. Something is up, while nothing is going on.
Are we hiding, playing make belief, shallow superficiality, or…? Are we perhaps readying ourselves, sharpening our knives and qualities, honing them, or are we just licking our paws as we sink our fat bellies in the lush sunshine with clouds endlessly sailing by, and by, bye-bye.

Purring in hedonistic bliss.

*sigh* deeper and deeper, the merry go round.

Is a new giant leap coming, or will we let it pass us by until the next, or the one after, hmmm

Do you feel a pause, or a break, a momentous moment of stillness, or a dragging clutched drenched in sticky tar-sand gooey.

A slow rant that is lament, a kick in the nuts and a pat on the head.

And a cabin on a piece of land with a lake on-site in-sight, hmmm

*mumble mumble jumble tumble*
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MoonBlog 59.5

On Reflector Group Moderation

It is remarkable to on the one hand say you do not like to be told when doing something wrong, and at the same time kick those same people as being control freaks, and then also justify yourself by telling how little it actually is… Seriously dude…

2 reflectors walk into a French Restaurant, and -demand- ‘French’ fries with a Big Mac…

It is not that we -have- to post daily, all or each single one of us. It is not that we have to entertain or be entertained, like planet Generator is already doing 24/7 in this neon lit global village. There is nothing wrong with no postings for 3 months, like it happens in the Reflector email list.

Unless we do indeed want to gobble up shallow bits and sound bytes, and through it an feel comfortable in our feeling alienated.
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Human Design Living Your Design Guide

Sjef Romijn LYDG Certificate
https://www.ihdschool.com/education-curriculum/living-your-design-guide

The Living Your Design Guide (LYDG) training is designed to educate, prepare, and certify Living Your Design Guides to support newcomers in the experiment of living their design.

The Living Your Design Guide Training is designed to effectively teach many of the basics of Human Design as it relates to type, strategy, authority and conditioning. This course offers 3 distinct components which provides students/Guides in training with the information and techniques necessary to assist newcomers in starting their 7-year deconditioning process. In this course Guides will learn how to assist others in understanding their own personal conditioning by using examples, experiential techniques, discussions and personal experiences.

What is a reflector?

What is the difference between this reflector and that reflector?

How do we support a reflector, is there such a thing as ‘a reflector’ support, as in singular way of supporting all reflectors?

How do we know? Have we studied, contemplated, meditated, talked about what it is to be a reflector, or do we follow that what we -believe- a reflector to be?

And I don’t mean to have done these or that courses, no, how hard and long have you, yourself, gone into what it means to be who you are?

Do we follow what our minds tell us it should be, just like our minds told us Human Design was spiritual.

Is that even true?

Can we discern how different this reflector might operate, engage, speak, listen, wobble, walk, than this one?

Do we allow for uniqueness?

What is the level of awareness and engagement amongst ourselves?

When we talk gates and lines, what do we tell, a repetition from half a page or a book we once read? Or our true inner experience, or our wittnessing of another.

Would you like to play a game of not-self centered behaviour?
Like confrontation and truth, questioning everything, answering everything, attracting attention, undirectional love, ego crowing, substance abuse, unstoppable workload, unobtainable deadlines.

Would you like to engage in your Human Design?

I heard Genoa say the other day: “The mind is gonna love human design until it becomes something real. And then it’s gonna find every excuse to split town as fast as it can and it wants to take you with it.”

So, am I being over-serious? Yes I am, ofcourse I am, and you can tell me that. Also I’m a joker, of sorts, but you gotta wanna see that, or else you will see me as another nasty archetype, with whatever you think of that.

Oh and if you don’t like what I say, you can either say that, or just ignore me. it is all optional.
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It’s not true, that there’s somebody in the subconscious

Bruce Lipton – Changing your mind

“…ecology, but there are two parts to the mind that are completely different than one another, yet they work together, we confuse them, we tie them together and yet they represent two entities working in two different fashions. There’s the conscious mind and what is called the subconscious mind. Now here’s what the very important people have to know this, okay, and here’s what it is:

The conscious mind is our creative mind that is connected to our personal identity and our spiritual selves, that makes us all unique. Each of us has our own personal conscious mind. But what becomes very significant is this; the subconscious mind is equivalent to a tape player, that’s exactly what it is. It records experiences and then plays them back.

And so now, let’s take a look and say, well wait, there’s a thinking mind and then there’s a tape player mind. And what’s different about them is very profound. So let’s talk about two fundamental differences first:
-The tape player, the subconscious mind, as an information processor, as the equivalent of a computer is a million times more powerful an information processor than is a conscious mind. So when you look at the power between the conscious and subconscious, subconscious is a million times more powerful.

-Number two, on a day-by-day bases the subconscious mind runs our biology about 95 to 99 percent of the time. So while you’re having all these wonderful thoughts, that’s not the conscious, the conscious mind is not running the show, it’s the subconscious mind. Then it comes an issue, well, the subconscious mind got programs in it, yes. The subconscious mind is not evil or good, the subconscious mind is a tape player as much as you can say; okay here’s a tape player, it’s good or bad. The tape player is not good or bad. The programs can be good and the programs can be bad. So blaming the subconscious mind as a negative thing, is the first mistake, it’s a tape player. The programs that we got, that’s the source of the problem that most of us face. These programs could limit our abilities and take away our powers, which essentially they do.

Now the relevance about positive thinking is this; positive thinking is a creative thought that comes from the conscious mind. Okay, so I sit here and I’m gonna have all these wonderful thoughts, I’m gonna close my eyes and visualize all these wonderful things. Stop and go back to the mechanical character of it:
(A) I’m having these thoughts with a little tiny processor called the conscious mind and (B) I’m competing with the programs that are in the subconscious mind.

So if I have a thought for being healthy or being in a good relationship and I’m doing positive thinking. And at the same time I’ve acquired programs in my development that said ‘you’re not as healthy as you think you are’ and ‘you’re not that good a person to have those kind of relationships’. Then look, I’m now pitting my positive thoughts against my programs and and their opposite. But this one works on a little tiny processor and this processor is a million times more powerful. So right away, who’s gonna win in that challenge? And the answer, of course the subconscious is gonna win.

But here comes the other part; while I can try to maintain positive thoughts in my life using my conscious mind, this conscious mind only operates less than 5 percent of the day. That says 95 percent or more of the day, I’m operating from the other belief system. The point is, do the math. How powerful are positive thoughts? And the answer is; unless the subconscious has the same programs and agreement as the conscious mind, power of positive thinking will not work. It will not work, because you’re competing against a much more powerful processor, okay.

And this is the problem, here comes, let’s add one more piece to the problem then it really manifests the big problem that people in this world are facing today, and that is; the conscious mind, the subconscious mind work together in tandem. Meaning, my conscious mind is, smaller processor as it is, can run any aspect of my biology. I can run anything. I can run my heartbeat right now for you. I can speed up and slow down my heartbeat. I can change my body temperature with my conscious mind. We used to think those were involuntary, that the body had a part of the brain that ran all the things and your conscious mind only ran things like your muscles. That’s not true. We now know that people who are very conscious can control every function in their body.

But here’s the problem; the conscious mind is a very small processor, the subconscious mind is a million times more powerful. You have to take care of your breathing, your heartbeat, your digestion, all your functions, your immune system, your respiration, your digestion, excretion, your conscious mind can’t focus on all that.

So the nature of it is, the function of the subconscious to carry out all the details and can carry out every one of the details, we could be essentially unconscious, which most people are, and our lives look exactly the same. Why? Because once you learn how to get dressed, you know how to get dressed. Once you know how to drive a car, you don’t have to be conscious how to drive a car, you already got the program. So everything that we learned our subconscious mind becomes automatic behavior. Meaning, it frees up the consciousness, so the consciousness doesn’t have to be dealing with all the tasks. Well when you free up the consciousness then you have time for creative thinking.

But here’s the issue, and this is the catch; when the consciousness is not focusing on some job or some task and let’s say it’s on a daydream mode, it’s thinking about your vacation next week. You’re going on vacation and you’re thinking about the plans of your vacation in your conscious mind. Well if your conscious mind is thinking about the vacation, who’s running the day to day, moment to moment life? The answer is, the subconscious.

But now here’s the catch; does the conscious mind observe the behavior as it automatically plays from the subconscious mind? And I go back to here, well where was your mind? It was thinking about the future. Well if it was thinking about the future, then it wasn’t paying attention, right? And the answer is, aha: the nature of the trade-off is, the subconscious mind can run everything when the conscious mind is busy. If the conscious mind is busy, it’s not paying attention and so when it’s not paying attention it does not see the programs that are playing the subconscious mind.

So to give you, like an amusing anecdote about it, is you know somebody, and you know their parent and you realize that this person and parent pretty much have the same behavior. And so in enthusiasm you burst on the scene and you say ‘You know Mary, you’re just like your mom!’ As soon as you say that to Mary, back away from Mary. Why? Because she’s not gonna take this in welcoming news for her. She’s gonna say like ‘How can you say that?’ To her, she’s not like her mom at all.

And the issue is interesting, it’s like, the joke is that everybody else can see that Mary is like her mom, but Mary can’t. Why not? The answer is; because when she’s playing the programs which she got from her mother, which are in her subconscious, she’s playing them because she’s not paying attention and so when they play, she doesn’t see them, so she’s surprised when people say that she behaves like her mom, even though that’s what her life is all about.

Now the conclusion of why all this dialogue and why was it all important, the answer is this; that we do not see the subconscious when it plays. The subconscious has programs in it that we primarily got from other people in our development. And the significance about that is that if we are operating from the subconscious mind and not seeing it, then we’re also not seeing that we’re playing programs that may not be in any way supporting who we are and what we want. The programs those are in the conscious mind.

So the idea is; when life doesn’t work, when you don’t find that relationship that your positive thinking was looking for, when you don’t get that health that you were looking for because your positive thinking was asking for it. We have a tendency therefor to blame the outside world, because as far as I know my intention was for all these wonderful things. And when I don’t get it, it can’t be me because I have all these wonderful positive intentions. What we didn’t see was, while we were having these positive intentions, using our conscious mind for those positive intentions, the subconscious was running the show. And we didn’t see that we generally sabotage and destroy or limit our own lives with behaviors that are not supporting us.

And why this is important is because then we all generally cop the attitude that there are forces outside of me that control my life and I am a victim of this world and I can’t do anything about it as a victim. And as soon as you buy that, you are a victim.

The only problem was, it was your own subconscious programming that led to the life that you have. And that if you can understand that and then try to work with it, then you can change your subconscious programming and change your life.

Now comes a problem. The problem is; we also bought this, and it’s not true, that there’s somebody in the subconscious. Meaning, if my conscious finds my subconscious engaging in some behavior it’s not supporting it and my conscious is talking to myself and my conscious is saying ‘Bruce .. that was stupid, you can do better than that’ and you’re having this inner dialogue and you’re talking to yourself and being very upset about the fact that your behavior seems to be out of control.

Who are you talking to? And I love this because the realities we’re thinking we’re talking to ourselves and that’s going to fix something and what’s it gonna fix? Well the programs in their subconscious and here’s where the problem lies: Subconscious is a tape player, there’s nobody in there.

The same exact truth holds in this case; get us a tape player, put a cassette tape in it, push play, the program’s running and you don’t like the programming, so here’s what I want you to do:
Go up and talk to the tape player. Go up and talk to it. Suggest that it changes the program, even tell it what you want it to play.

Do all this and then you realize the program still plays, it doesn’t change and then you get more upset, with yourself. Why? Because you’ve asked the program to change and it’s not changing yet. Then you get mad at yourself, you start yelling at yourself and now you’re berating yourself because you can’t control the tape. Then that doesn’t work and then of course the last step you had to bring God in because obviously -you- tried to change your life and it didn’t work, so only God has to come in here now and change the tape. And the joke is, how much talking to a tape player does it take before the tape changes? And the answer is, you can talk till you’re blue in the face and it will not change. It’s not that you can’t change the tape but you have to learn how to push the record button and -then- you can record new programs in the subconscious.

But our old belief system, like conventional psychology, let’s go over and find out why my life is this way ‘oh yeah, my mom did this to me and my dad did this and my friends did this’ and now I make a whole list of all the reasons why my life is this way, I’m very clear, my conscious mind got ‘Oh God I could play that movie, I can see it’.

The question is now that you’re aware, did it change the tape player? And the answer is ‘no’. And that’s why people get so upset. They go through all of the psychology, counseling and stuff. They know all the reasons, they still have the same life. So the issue is: you want to make change? Then you have to learn how to engage the tape player in a record mode and not just talk to it.”

transcript by Evelyne Beyer

MoonBlog 4.3

I have found, after 3 years living my design on a daily basis, and following strategy and authority and looking at my lunar cycle, that these readings are not too expensive.

Considering the life changing effect they have, I would actually call them cheap (!).

There is a whole lot of free stuff out there, but to me indeed until you also have studied some things, had a proper reading with explanation of your very own lunar cycle, done a living your design workshop, (which are all very interesting experiences I would not have missed for the world), all this free stuff seem not enough, or seem like some kind of hidden language/messages. But they aren’t.

There will come a point it all starts to make sense, because it -is- it’s own language, just like French, English, or German is. One day you’ll start to talk it like you were born with it, and see. See beyond the mind and knowledge itself, and into your own self. And start recognizing all these new-age or ancient texts, about answers lying within, not out there, or in others. All inside ourselves, even if we learn it through looking at and engaging with others, but inside is such a wealth of sheer knowing.

Getting a reading, learning about your lunar cycle, and strategy and authority, and a lot of patience, forgiveness, loving yourself and a whole bunch of humor, has gotten me past most of my worries of old. Now I still have some, or new ones but they are different, and are much more ego based. I really start to grasp who I really am, and what I am here for, I can almost taste it.

And then another day, it all seems to have eluded me, a cosmic joke. Know there is also a reflector mailinglist and online virtual cafe, for reflectors to meet and share, besides the Reflector FaceBook Group and other pages.

And however alone a reflectors path may look like sometimes, we are constantly interconnected with each other, it feels like, to me and others.
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MoonBlog 5.6

The hurt pathway

When we became friends, it was not because we liked the same bands, or the same style of being, clothing, people or politics, or the same hatred for our upbringing, parents and school, although we truly believed we did.

We became friends because we recognized, even if unconsciously, the same wounds. We recognized the same avoidance of our wounding. We recognized the same behaviour towards our ignoring of our hurts. The same patterns in denying and running away.

-That- is what connected us.

And now we disconnect because we differ in that behaviour towards our wounds.
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Permaculture Design Certificate

PermacultureLicenceSjefRomijn2011
http://www.permacultuur.eu/

Permacultuur is samenwerken met de natuur om een betere wereld voor ons allemaal te maken Als we de natuur observeren zien we dat er een systeem van principes aan het werk is. Permacultuur gebruikt deze principes om geïntegreerde systemen te ontwikkelen die voor onze behoeften aan voedsel, energie en gemeenschap zorgen op een gezonde en efficiente wijze. Door Permacultuur kunnen we de kwaliteit en productiviteit van onze individuele levens, onze samenleving en onze omgeving verbeteren.

Project: https://www.mcha.nl/2011/01/07/westerbaen-permaculture-2010/

Westerbaen Permaculture 2010

During the year long Permaculture Design Certification Course we were asked to choose our own project so that we could put the theories into practice and possible also try out some of our own ideas. Due to the presence of an overgrown and neglected garden behind Sjef’s house at the time, we decided to sink our teeth in and to transform it, to an edible garden. At first we were under the assumption that we might possibly only be able to do soil purification, because of intense contamination by previously stored car engines by previous tenants. Gradually, we learned that the pollution seemed to have disappeared (It was 15 years ago after all, and thus possibly all had washed/seeped etc.) and then pretty soon changed our plans to creating an edible garden, where both theory and given examples, and lots of fun and fantasy all have been given a chance to come to expression. Since starting that change has become clearly visible, for both ourselves and the neighborhood and neighbors. And then also for the many birds that have gained both with the immediate neighbors as well as with us a nutrient rich and quiet/secluded space 😉

But first some introductions:

Sjef

Sjef: Somewhere late 2006 Ray told me about Human Design, which brought me to the Gene Keys several years later. There I found the Anastasia Ringing Cedar book series by Vladimir Megre. Intrigued by the attention to nature and the people within it, I did a lookup online and quickly found Transition Towns, and then also Permaculture. After some more online digging it seemed Permaculture was the thing I unconsciously had been looking for, for the last 25 years. Not long after I landed on the website of ‘Gezonde Gronden‘ and their PDC year training. The appeal on the one hand is to be able to grow our own food and bring back the experience of our connection with the Earth and nature, as well as living more independent of forces and powers beyond our scope and also more self-determination and control over our own lives, food and the future. Furthermore taking into account the notion we may have had access to a lot less oil and other fuels for quite a while now already and the grotesque consequences of our dependence on them.

I experience Transition Towns and Permaculture as very important for the Earth and humanity, where Human Design and Gene Keys are much more important as an individual personal experience and endeavour.

Ray

Ray: I met Sjef late 2006 during a training program on starting your own business. At the time I coached people successfully for 5 years (through donations) on the relationship between nutrition & health en started my own business in 2007. In 2009 I did a free presentation in the Rudolf Steiner clinic at their winter-fair where I met Mireille and Borg, whom had already done this PDC training. After speaking with them I started reading up on Permaculture. Then I also read book 1 from Vladimir Megre’s Anastasia book series and became even more exited about Permaculture. Some 20 years ago I had 4 years of kibbutz experience, meaning: working on the land with fresh produce from your own soil which appealed to me at the time already. I see many advantages with Permaculture such as: self-reliance, sense of freedom, local food, less nutrition loss than found at retail and so with Permaculture healthier and cheaper food for less money and less strain on our environment.

I enjoy meeting like-minded people with passion, love and attention to health and nature, and to cooperate with it. In addition, I enjoy to contribute to the future of the world by reducing our footprint. Less fossil fuel, more freedom and being self-supporting really appeals to me. I see plenty of opportunities business-wise and it would seem a joy to eventually eat mainly, or even completely, foods from our own gardens and no more waiting in line at the health food store or other retailers or less at east.

So here is our 10 month report of were we came together twice nearly every week and (Ray) made copious notes:

In the beginning

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MoonBlog 14.3

All aboard

Here I am

living my life

Just, living it. Even if my former self, or the former shard of what I was, or how I behaved, would like my life to be much more saint-like, or worshippable. (ah vanity and pride)
Which actually is more and more true too, if you let go of what that should look like.
Hmm aaaaah, the paradox of all this bullshit… 🙂
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MoonBlog 46.6

Seducing Thy-Self

Just now, with the sun/earth in 44.4/24.4 and the moon in the 46.6, my longing for a mate, mentally, and the longing for sharing/making offspring, really came from this now empty space between the middle of my ribcage.

(some call it the g-center, I don’t know, and I don’t care to know, sort of, yet).

The jerking off that followed this feeling, this longing, this drive, was not sexual at all, as sometimes happens/is not that uncommen either.
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MoonBlog 38.2 Politeness

Tudo bem?

why do I keep watching TV till 2 o’clock at night? Cause I’m bored, and have nothing to wake up for anyways. I do like to sleep late, always have, but ever so often I have such and such plans that I can’t sleep till very early in the morning, wake up and go do the thing I planned. But at least 90% of the time, I’m bored, and have nothing to live nor die for. (ha Byron Brown can have a field day ! 😉

Even though since getting a re-invitation to come live in the North of Brazil, where I can be the caretaker of a few acres of land, (have to) build my own house (and theirs?), and start living of the land, through a combination of Anastasia family domain, Permaculture/Transition Towns, Aquaponics and whatever is useful and fun. Years ago Katia the Brazilian wife of my nephew Pascal invited me, with one year room and board from them, after which I would need to sort it out myself, which was a wonderful invitation, but they never went. But now there is a renewed interest to go there, with slightly altered plans/location. So I’m going to check it out over there, and in the mean time the perspective and scope of my permaculture studies have now been added with smallholding books and some serious eco building books.
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MoonBlog 7.4 The abdicator

Ramble On

The simple fact of me being here, in these genekeys, confirms my victimhood/martyrdom, I am victim of my own beliefs, of my perceived need to do something about this life, about all that suffering, about all these longing(s).

While it just is (what it is) there is nothing to change, besides my perception and/or judgement/opinion about it (which is another half-truth) There is nothing to escape from or work towards.

Life just is, and I allow myself to be a victim of anything and everything I think life is supposed to mean, or be.
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MoonBlog 44.5 Manipulation

Unconscious

is what I feel like today, now. As if I had a severe blow to the head, somewhat intoxicated even.

I’m sitting here over emotional, but very quiet. Observing myself, my feelings, my triggers, my shadows, the timing and impact of things here and now. I’m feeling my gut, a knot.
Trying to dive in deeper, not running away. Even though I have done several distracting things, I don’t seem to be able to walk away from a deeper and longer experience of this, what is.

I had an ever ecstatic life building up since a few weeks ago. I am very busy with all these courses, interacting with people on different levels, and this permaculture/garden is taking up quite a bit of resources, mentally and physically.

In my ecstasy, I expanded some more towards others, and we shared our lives some more. I was not on a cloud yet, but I sure did feel like floating/flying.
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MoonBlog 3.2 Immaturity

GeneKeys complaint, money back guarantee?

after diving quite deep and feeling intense shadows and other past or present muddy waters, and the effects this process had and has on me, now doing the deep dive for the second time actually helps me feel more shallow in its process (!)

Not arrogance though, but because the 1st DD process helped change me and my life in such a way, through but also beyond so many shadows, as if letting go of a huge enormous backpack, that I now felt so strong and agile, that I take on so much (GeneKeys DeepDive, GeneKeys Hosting, Human Design RaveABC, Permaculture), that I skip the depth of all of them, usually/mostly. And those are just the things I do for fun (!) And then all the books I (make myself) read, related to any and all of those. Pffff…
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MoonBlog 47.3 Self-oppression

Disconnected

dear hearts,

ever so slowly I feel more and more disconnected from the genekeys, deepdive and hosting.
And I have let it happen, because I now know where I am triggered and have taken no action.
It is the not receiving of genekeys/hosting updates in the mail.
Which is funny in a way, because in the earliest beginning of me entering the GeneKeys I was sometimes amazed at the frequency and length of emails, and now I miss out on them and trully miss them.
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MoonBlog 38.4 Investigation

Fullfilment

When will I stop, when will it be enough?

seeking, yearning, wanting

but what
really?

Is it my head?
Is it my body?
Is it really me?

“just relax. Have another drink, few more pretzels,”

I stopped chasing my tail for a bit now, but when will the chase stop itself…?

*were you hare when I was fox”

Or is this why me is me.
If so, than I only need some new
N R J

aaaaah *plop*
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MoonBlog 41.4 Correction

I am alone

I feel alone, but am I lonely?
These last few days have given me a new sense, or feeling, of not wanting to be lonely anymore. Of not doing it all alone anymore, and this is not some vague little nudge, no this is a like a great big swell coming up in me. Of having enough of -not- sharing. My life, your life, all life. (now a few days later I feel much more calm actually, but the swell has stayed)

I used to be a great big socializer, other boys hated me in high school because I was talking to all the girls, because I -was- sharing whatever I felt like, and listening to theirs too. And not heavy stuff, no just everyday life sharing. And this continued after school, in bars, in the house-squat-scene, right up until I landed myself in prison, because amongst many things sharing itself didn’t cut it, and I didn’t find what I was looking for. And since I didn’t know what I was looking for I couldn’t ask, and no-one around either saw or said anything. So I reacted in a very self-destructing way.
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MoonBlog 64.5 Promise

Quattro Stagioni

Hm, I’ve been wanting to write a blog about (my) silence for a little while, and just see Richard also perceives the quietness in the field, and also somewhat in response to Rosy’s multiple writings.

For me, it seems that more and more, there is nothing (left) to say. And just enjoy being, and honoring whatever is or is not going on. Without (a need for) a response. And being so joyfully introspective, that it is difficult to share where I’m at right now, because I don’t even have a clue myself, and even that is wonderously fine too ! 🙂
(pff I start to feel I’m talking like Tanmayo…)
Where before I really felt -urges- to speak, now I find I thrive much much better in shutting up, and taking loooong pauses before responding.
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MoonBlog 4.5 Seduction

ordinary unusualness

The day of Christmas eve I get a call from the mother of the son of a former client of mine (you know, his ex-wife) whom I helped move house to an Asian country to get away from drugs and alcohol last year, if I would be willing and able to talk to her that evening at her house (and because of the huge snow/ice on the road if I would come to her instead of she to me) and talk about what to do with her son’s coming out of the closet when coming back from his dad on holiday in that Asian country. So I put my Suzuki Samurai in 4×4 mode and ice-skate over there, and we talk about going to the country’s national homo/lesbian organization together, so he can maybe meet up with same age groups for support and hopefully fun (he is kinda young) Afterwards she gives me a token of appreciation.
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MoonBlog 8.6

Invitation

While I do ‘live’ on the internet for quite a few years now, I’m not in the habit of hoarding contacts, email addresses, and other hollow attempts of creating a marketable presence online (wow, nice load of judgements and opinions there Sjef)

I do however want to invite each and everyone of you, us, here, to connect outside this field too, linkedin, facebook, you name it. Not as something to get any validation from, but to offer it to people outside, in a way. To show them our steps in not needing any, but still being this global life-form of energy, of intent, of intensity, of sharing. Connect with the genekeys facebook page, and with all of us, all mixed up as one giant ball of string, being and acting as one. (is this my radiance 45 speaking up?)
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MoonBlog 9.1 Sensibility

In all fairness

I suddenly get a rush of awareness, that in the invitiation of diving into our shadows, I’m actually reliving them over again. Where I was way up higher before entering the deep dive. It almost feel like a reversed effect on me.

Where I also have to acknowladge that there has been many subtle changes in behaviour, attitude, conceptualizing, feeling even. Some are much more profound, but can not yet put them to sentences.

But also, feeling drawn into deeps where I do not want to go again, although not sure if I should or should not. Who is to say what will come out of it, I don’t know, but it is as if you throw me in some field, any field, and I will eventually acquire and live aspects of that field, whether they are deep divers of genekeys, or major league baseballers.

So there is some feeling of over redundancy in it, but I’ll sit with it for a bit. And if this sense pervails I’ll switch gears and only focus on gifts for a bit from now on, and skip the shadows, because it really starts to feel uncomfortable in the no-sense department.
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MoonBlog 40.4 Organization

I miss my father

or a father figure, a mentor, guide, coach. And have tried to substitute through many people in my life. Wether my fathers brothers or neighbours, friends, teachers, colleagues, any and all really. Even though he has brought me up till age 10, and I owe my mum for it till age 20, I have a real sensation that it is him or my image of him that I miss the most. And not only through reading the 18th GeneKey. There are some things lacking in my education, and I don’t mean plain knowledge, but a feeling, a reprimande or a nudge of accord. Borrowing money, and it being ok that you do not pay it back, after a good many discussion of the why and how.

And sure I’ve become very wise on the streets, and through absorbing the energy and know-how of surrogates, wheter boyfriends of my mum, or people crossing my life’s paths. But it is not the same, the deep intensity of it is missing. The feeling of the nest, of home.

And in this fase in my life, I stare it right in the face, finally maybe, and try to resolve and deal with it.
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MoonBlog 19.2 Interdependence

Tobacco III

5 whole weeks have passed since I’ve finally taken myself up on actually making work of stopping to smoke.

It has been in the making for several years now, in that sense I’m not stupid, I know I shouldn’t. But the thing that prevented me from doing it, was lack of joy in quitting. I mean, need for/to, and logic alone is not good enough. For me. And I quite enjoy smoking, actually, and still do.

I enjoy it because I’m rewarding myself in that sense, every so often, I give myself a cigarette, it is a cheap, small and easy gift, poisonous none the less, but still. You can give yourself lots of them daily, relatively cheap, even now when governments have enormously increased the prices.
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MoonBlog 39.1 Disengagement

So now, let’s take it another way

There is some mention of black marketeers (more and more actually), which unfortunately is -not- open for discussion.

I have several feelings about that, where some have manifested as thoughts which I will share here.

To me, a black marketeer is someone who does not give what you are supposed to get. So someone who skips a few steps and presents it as being the real deal. Since I cannot point fingers at individuals on this forum, I’ll just quote this:
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MoonBlog 45.5 Leadership

Kick my butt

Hm, so, no more HDS bashing, and no more honouring IHD for now through closing/pausing the IHD group… damn… 😉

Through HDS, sidestepping to MHDS (multi dimensional), dancing with Zeno’s flowing HD, and a short but intense fling with IHD, I come to the GeneKeys.

Surrendering to it actually.
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MoonBlog 42.3 Trial and error

Self-devotion

I feel and realise now, that I wanted human design, then integral human design, and now the deep dive to be a permanent change in my life.

From conditioned, mundaine, sheeplike, shadow patterned and patented monotony and stupidity, left-brain dictations to a freed life, of eternal bliss, profound love, monetairy indifference, fullfilling dreams and wishes, and loads of joy.

But I also realise now that it is all wishfull -thinking-

And yes, my body does feel different, I feel my body differently. My mind operates the same but is not so much in control anymore as it has taken a more observing stance.
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MoonBlog

Tobacco II

Today started with smoking only at the whole hour (handy wristwatch can tell me with a beep) instead of whenever. Trying to break through the habbit itself besides the addiction.

Noticed sometimes I smoke more per hour and sometimes none for several hours.

Tomorrow will see what options my health care assurance provides/accepts as viable treatments. Been reading meanwhile and soft-laser acupuncture interested me.

And as for doing something else instead of smoking while kicking it, I’ve bought a superb Kettler multi-gym fitness machine almost a year ago, still in the box in the hallway, awaiting me 😉

Small steps..
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MoonBlog 46.2 The prima donna

Some 52, some others too

A few years back I made a deal with myself that every day I would at least do 1 thing of all the ideas I have/had. And it could be something small or simple like shopping for groceries, or do the dishes, but it could also mean taking a motorcycle engine apart. 1 thing, every single day.

In that way I could really acomplish stuff which would otherwise never get done, because I am quite lazy when it comes down to it, at least physically. Mentally I’m almost all the time quite strong and powerfull, always churning, thinking, contemplating, looking at all possible and impossible sides of things, and really elaborate in my mind.

(I’ve written on the humandesignglobal.ning forum blog that I feel that my mind is my most favourite body part. Ok, it has gotten me into trouble at times but it also helped me a lot/more to get out of them, again and again)
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MoonBlog 46.2 The prima donna

WTF, are we doing (here)?

today I didn’t wake up as the artful transmuter, ever since finishing the 3rd webinar I feel shite, or confused, no, angry even.

If we do not exist, if we are not here, then what are we doing (here), why bother (with) this whole process. Why not end it all here and now. I’m no avid believer of suicide, but what the fuck is the point of augmenting the frequency of my dna, if even that does not exist, actually, in reality (?)

Sure, don’t identify with being whatever (a doctor, a reflector, a woman) on this plane, but then it nullifies the genekeys and this quantum field instantaneous too. I had that thought earlier when discussing HDS (Human Design System) and IHD (Integral Human Design), if there is no framework, there is no us even, then what is this transmission we’re supposed to contemplate and embody?
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MoonBlog 52.1 Think before you speak

Let the fun start

tomorrow, or next year…

Why is there a need for a separate group of evolve/gathering? Is there a need to hide out from the rest, or a need to differentiate? What does this gathering have to do with GeneKeys as such anyways? I don’t recall it being part of the dozen or so approaches and tools that now make up these GeneKeys. What is the added value for you and/or for me?

I thought we were in this together, all jumping into the water, and supporting each other, whether I know you from before or not, but now it feels like some of you want to create a group inside a group, and swim off from the rest.
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MoonBlog 8.4 Respect

Bravado

As I was contemplating my last noticeable physical/mental addiction smoking, it sort of dawned on me that it has probably something to do with my open root center/gates. This stress and nervousness that I do not face but try to evade. And in doing so with this specific drug, I probably increase it, because of the physical effects of smoking. Thinner blood, colder body, eating less, no sports, unhealthy diet.

I have to say, the advantages are there too, breaking up the day in different experiences, and coming back in renewed (not through smoking but through getting out of a situation for a bit) And smoking is good relieve/release for anything in the end, if it rains: have a smoke, sun is out: have a smoke, you love someone dearly: have a smoke, you lover left: have a smoke (not trying to promote it though)

But I see the hold on me it has. And in one way I’m absolutely fine with it, otherwise I would have stopped aeons ago. On the other hand, on the brink of these changes I’m facing right now I realize it is holding me back. But I feel I cannot stop smoking for stopping of smoking itself. I need to tackle -why- I smoke, and how and when.
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MoonBlog 43.2 Dedication

Perpetual Rollercoaster

Since Ibiza April 2009 I have been on quite a journey, through (online) information, meeting and greeting people, and classes/lectures/events.

First I dived into Integral Human Design through the webinar at GeneKeys by Richard Rudd and Werner Pitzal, which gave me a sense of other/more possibilities using the bodygraph. In short: applying Integral Approach and Spiral Dynamics combined with your bodygraph and thus locking in to higher and higher states of being.

Then off to Amsterdam for a Living Your Design weekend with Guido Wernink, Stien Michiels and others for more basic knowledge and practical lessons about what it really means to actually live your design (hence the name ;-), what possibilities there are and what contrasts we will meet, in ourselves and others. Giving me a greater foundation to work from.
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MoonBlog 38.6 Misunderstanding

Lobotomy

So, final blog about Ibiza 2009 for now

I’m a little early on-site, so I want to get something to eat, and end up in a noisy beach bar eating something like a triple sandwich and drinking a Fanta thinking about how good or bad this would be for my PHS (‘taste’ is all I know for now) I definitely do not like the noise coming from the speakers, even besides the music genre, so head back over to the event quickly.
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